Maintain the distance

Have you ever been roped into an argument just by being in the wrong place at the right time?  It is like some current pulled you into the raging waters and you found yourself just barely able to hold on for the ride!  It isn't enough you were there, the other person wants to make sure you don't escape without "weighing in" on the argument - giving your opinion only opens the door to a more "heated" discussion!  Sheesh!  How did that happen?  Well, it isn't always about whether we "wanted" to argue, it is about how well we "refused" to argue.  Most of the time we don't "want" to argue - we don't get out of bed in the morning with the determination to pick a fight with someone today.  Yet, we might just struggle a little with this ability to refuse to argue - especially when the subject begins to turn toward something we are passionate about, or even us!  Learning to refuse to argue is indeed a skill we each will be well served to acquire!

People who refuse to argue deserve respect. Any fool can start an argument. (Proverbs 20:3 ERV)

I like the plain truth - ANY fool can start an argument.  Back in the day, this rather burly, gold chain laden guy on TV used the expression, "I pity the fool" to describe anyone who got in his way.  I think the expression is apropos!  ANY fool can start an argument - it takes a pretty wise man or woman to actually avoid stepping into the trap in the first place.  Margaret Thatcher actually used to comment about how much she liked someone to argue or debate with her. She was once quoted as saying she actually didn't think it was their "job" to agree with her - it was more or less their job to challenge her.  This is an interesting way to look at a life in the political arena, but I don't know if I'd want to live life like that each and every day!  In truth, I don't think I could be President of the United States just because I don't like conflict!  

Colin Powell said, "Great leaders are almost great simplifiers, who can cut through argument, debate and doubt, to offer a solution everybody can understand."  There is a lot of truth in those words.  The wise will be able to "simplify" the arguments of another - to actually get at the core of the argument without ever having to "enter into it" in the first place.  There is this skill of being able to "cut through" to the core of the matter and expose it for what it is. This brings insight - insight brings light - and where light is, darkness has to flee!

In a sense, we all get roped into arguments we didn't really want to get into in the first place.  It wasn't the right moment when someone approached us and we responded in a little bit of a hasty manner, or with a curtness to our response which led the other guy or gal to just plain "take offense".  In an instant, we see the flare of tension and the beginning spark of an argument. What one small spark has the potential to create is a huge forest fire!  There is something about refusing to even give the first spark which bears us considering today.  To avoid being the type of person who "sparks" the argument, we also need to be the kind of person who recognizes the flint set at the perfect angle to actually make a spark when brought into contact with any opposing force!

To do this, we need to remain ever vigilant over our own "position" in the situation.  The flint is nothing until it is struck - no threat of a spark until something of opposing force strikes it.  Herein is the wisdom Solomon refers to - the ability to step away from the argument - to not be the opposing force which will send the spark into full igniting force.  A wise person will recognize the wisdom of keeping distance from those "poised" for the argument.  They will not be treading "unaware" of the hazards before them.  In fact, they are attentive to the tenor of the group, the stage which has been set.  Why?  It is impossible to be trapped when one is attentive to their surroundings!  Just sayin!

Is it worth the stress?

On a scale of one to ten, how likely would it be for others to describe you as easy to get along with (ten being the easiest to get along with)?  On most days, I think others may be gracious when giving me a score as high as five! Most of the time, I do my best to mix well with the team I am placed to serve in - whether it is at home, in the workplace, or somewhere in the community. Some of these groups will be easier to have congenial relationships which seem to be characterized by good will and collegial relationships.  In other groups, the "characters" within the group make it a little harder for us to score a perfect ten in this "getting along" category, right?  We cannot always score a ten on this one, though - or can we?  According to what James tells us, a holy life is characterized by getting along with others. Uh oh - now I have gone to meddling!  If we score a ten consistently, it must be because we are embracing this life of God's wisdom, and not living by the whim or fancy of our mood!  Scripture has a way of dealing with our delusion, doesn't it?

Real wisdom, God’s wisdom, begins with a holy life and is characterized by getting along with others. It is gentle and reasonable, overflowing with mercy and blessings, not hot one day and cold the next, not two-faced. You can develop a healthy, robust community that lives right with God and enjoy its results only if you do the hard work of getting along with each other, treating each other with dignity and honor.  (James 3:17-18 MSG)

Certainly "getting along" with others doesn't mean we always go with what the other guy proposes, following along in a subservient manner, does it?  No, it doesn't, but it does mean we work together for the common good and strive to reduce the "points of friction" as much as possible - even when it means we give a little on the things which really don't matter.  Notice I did not say we "give a little" on the things which make up the minimum standards of right living God requires - such as adhering to the truth, keeping Christ at the center, and denying self.  There are some "grey areas" we can agree to not fret about, though - these are the areas in which I think we need to compromise a little.  For example, as a youth pastor, one of the controversies in the teen population vs. parents and pastors was the topic of tattoos.  Now, before you shut me off here, hear me out.  Try as I might, I could not find any specific passages which dealt with tattoos.  Yep, there were vague passages about not defiling the body, treating it as a temple of the Holy Spirit, etc.  We could go back to the Levitical Law and see that Israel was instructed not to make any cuts in their body or tattoos on their body.  So, scripture did declare tattoos off-limits for Israel - because they were part of ancient cultic practices, not because they were tattoos.  It was related to a practice of the times linking the marking of one's body as a sign of your allegiance and dedication to a cult.  Today's tattooing practices may not have the same significance.  My daughter has one - my son several.  Did I really approve of them having them?  No, but could I compromise on their desire to have this artwork on their body?  Yes.  Why?  They weren't doing it to mark themselves for Satan or some cultic leader.  Would I get one myself?  I really don't think so, simply because I don't like pain!

Standing firm against a tattoo with my teenage children would have driven a wedge into our relationship.  It would have made all the truth I had been sharing with them about a new covenant in Christ, freedom from Old Testament Law, and grace a little convoluted.  You see, I knew their heart wasn't to mark themselves for demonic practices - so holding hard and fast to some Old Testament rule would be going against the principles of grace Christ proclaimed in the New Testament.  Did I delight in their tattoos?  No, but I delighted in the kids and valued the relationship with the kids above all.  This seemed to be what God wanted me to understand and hold onto when this subject came up in our own home - so although it would not have been my choice, I wouldn't allow a wedge to be driven between us because it was theirs.  Sometimes we know something is clearly wrong and that is when we take a stand.  On those other areas where we sense there is not really any danger of this "thing" they desire to pursue will move them away from God, I think we would do well to "not sweat it".

I think this is what James had in mind when he spoke of treating each other with dignity and respect.  As long as the choices aren't compromising truth, we can allow them.  God doesn't care if we eat pork, beef, or are vegan.  He doesn't care if we worship on Saturday or Sunday.  He doesn't fret about whether we wear dresses to church or jeans.  He doesn't care if we read the original King James Version of the Bible or a paraphrase.  He DOES care about us knowing truth, adhering to it, engaging with our brothers and sisters in Christ, and doing everything to help each other grow.  Maybe some of the stuff we stress about, which ultimately makes us a little less than agreeable with each other, is really not worth the stress!  Just sayin!