Pulling those ears?

Interfering in some else’s argument is as foolish as yanking a dog’s ears. (Proverbs 26:17)

If you have ever caught yourself ‘putting in your two cent’s worth’ in the middle of some else’s disagreement with someone, you know how quickly that might have backfired. You just thought you were ‘helping’, but somehow the disagreement just got worse, or the tables changed, and you became the focus of the issue. Not a pleasant place to find oneself. Much better to remain silent, lift a few prayers for each to see wisdom in the matter, and allow God to intervene – not you!

Arguments happen, but we don’t have to act as the arbitrator for all of them. Sometimes the other parties just need to work it out themselves – more being learned in the ‘working it out process’ than if you shut it down with your advice or meddling. Most of the ‘learning’ that comes when two people disagree comes when each one examines their own heart and finds any place where they might have been ‘at fault’. Arguments are rarely deemed ‘no fault’, but it is not uncommon to want to ‘find fault’ with the ‘other guy’ in the disagreement.

If there is an important reason for us to be involved, God will make it clear. Prying into the affairs of others is always deemed unwise unless God leads. Wise people don’t intrude into the conflicts of another. Intervening when someone is being grossly attacked or abused might be okay, but the everyday conflicts that occur within relationships rarely require our intervention unless they are our own conflicts! Beware of ‘butting in’ where you are uninvited. It will always backfire on you! Just sayin!

Maintain the distance

Have you ever been roped into an argument just by being in the wrong place at the right time?  It is like some current pulled you into the raging waters and you found yourself just barely able to hold on for the ride!  It isn't enough you were there, the other person wants to make sure you don't escape without "weighing in" on the argument - giving your opinion only opens the door to a more "heated" discussion!  Sheesh!  How did that happen?  Well, it isn't always about whether we "wanted" to argue, it is about how well we "refused" to argue.  Most of the time we don't "want" to argue - we don't get out of bed in the morning with the determination to pick a fight with someone today.  Yet, we might just struggle a little with this ability to refuse to argue - especially when the subject begins to turn toward something we are passionate about, or even us!  Learning to refuse to argue is indeed a skill we each will be well served to acquire!

People who refuse to argue deserve respect. Any fool can start an argument. (Proverbs 20:3 ERV)

I like the plain truth - ANY fool can start an argument.  Back in the day, this rather burly, gold chain laden guy on TV used the expression, "I pity the fool" to describe anyone who got in his way.  I think the expression is apropos!  ANY fool can start an argument - it takes a pretty wise man or woman to actually avoid stepping into the trap in the first place.  Margaret Thatcher actually used to comment about how much she liked someone to argue or debate with her. She was once quoted as saying she actually didn't think it was their "job" to agree with her - it was more or less their job to challenge her.  This is an interesting way to look at a life in the political arena, but I don't know if I'd want to live life like that each and every day!  In truth, I don't think I could be President of the United States just because I don't like conflict!  

Colin Powell said, "Great leaders are almost great simplifiers, who can cut through argument, debate and doubt, to offer a solution everybody can understand."  There is a lot of truth in those words.  The wise will be able to "simplify" the arguments of another - to actually get at the core of the argument without ever having to "enter into it" in the first place.  There is this skill of being able to "cut through" to the core of the matter and expose it for what it is. This brings insight - insight brings light - and where light is, darkness has to flee!

In a sense, we all get roped into arguments we didn't really want to get into in the first place.  It wasn't the right moment when someone approached us and we responded in a little bit of a hasty manner, or with a curtness to our response which led the other guy or gal to just plain "take offense".  In an instant, we see the flare of tension and the beginning spark of an argument. What one small spark has the potential to create is a huge forest fire!  There is something about refusing to even give the first spark which bears us considering today.  To avoid being the type of person who "sparks" the argument, we also need to be the kind of person who recognizes the flint set at the perfect angle to actually make a spark when brought into contact with any opposing force!

To do this, we need to remain ever vigilant over our own "position" in the situation.  The flint is nothing until it is struck - no threat of a spark until something of opposing force strikes it.  Herein is the wisdom Solomon refers to - the ability to step away from the argument - to not be the opposing force which will send the spark into full igniting force.  A wise person will recognize the wisdom of keeping distance from those "poised" for the argument.  They will not be treading "unaware" of the hazards before them.  In fact, they are attentive to the tenor of the group, the stage which has been set.  Why?  It is impossible to be trapped when one is attentive to their surroundings!  Just sayin!

Leaking Dams

Ever start something you wish you didn't have to finish?  I have - lots of times.  The truth is, we all do.  If you don't believe me think about the last time you opened your mouth, allowing words to escape which would have been better off not said at all!  What happened with just that tiny escape of words?  It opened up the floodgates, didn't it?  Yep, our words have a way of creating more than just a little "flux" in our lives!  

The start of a quarrel is like a leak in a dam, so stop it before it bursts. (Proverbs 17:14 MSG)

Solomon was known as the wisest man in his time.  I daresay, even with all the technological advances of this day and age, he probably still would bear that title today.  How do you suppose he "learned" all this stuff?  Do you think he was "born smart"?  If you think that, you are probably a little deluded, because if you study his life, you will see he was pretty much learning this stuff as he went!  It is exactly how most of us really gain wisdom.  Sure, we ask for it, but we learn it in the trenches.

This little passage really speaks volumes - a quarrel doesn't begin by the volume of words we speak - it begins with the words we allow to be spoken!  You have probably heard me say we need to think all we say, but not say all we think.  I guess this should go without saying, but trust me, we all need to hear this!  We often speak without thinking about the impact of our words.  Whenever we do, the small "fissure" we make with those words becomes the very thing which will weaken the "dam" holding back lots more!

If you look up quarrel in the dictionary, you find words like "dispute", "disagreement", and even "hostility".  The most telling part about the definition is what happens to the relationship - there is a break!  The break may be temporary, but it could be life-long.  The root of the word is to complain.  I wonder how many times we air our complaints without giving any thought to the possible "fissures" those very complaints are making in the relationship?  Quarreling may refer to a "slight" shared because of words which are spoken, but enough "slights" and you pretty much weaken the relationship's integrity.

The words of Solomon - stop it before it bursts!  In the Amplified Bible, this verse speaks of stopping contention before it becomes a quarrel.  I think this is probably a little closer to the original language - because contention is the controversy we establish with our words - quarreling is the result of enough contention!  So, contention is like the small leak - quarreling is the dam bursting.  The implication is to watch what it is we set our minds and attitude toward - for what we take pleasure into entering into debate over may actually be our undoing!

To go back to my earlier point, Solomon didn't learn this as he slept.  He learned it because his family was filled with all kinds of strife, contention, and rivalry!  His brother wanted the throne - his mother wanted Solomon to have it.  The contention which ensued made for a lot of rocky years for Solomon.  He came from a pretty dysfunctional home.  Dad committed adultery, littlest brother died shortly after childbirth, brothers fought against brothers, lust became a problem in his own life, and the list goes on.  He learned this stuff in the trenches!  If we think we will be any different, think again!

When we speak words which bring strife into the relationship, perhaps we'd do well to consider the value of the words we speak.  We may want to express our "feelings", but we all know how untrustworthy our own "feelings" can be.  They will lead us down paths we'd rather not travel almost every time we rely upon them!  So, why do we allow our "feelings" to influence the words we speak?  Maybe we would do well to ask God to "ride shotgun" over our feelings so we don't use them as the basis of the words we speak!  Just sayin!