Do you say the right thing?

A word is not a crystal, transparent and unchanged; it is the skin of a living thought and may vary greatly in color and content according to the circumstances and time in which it is used.

(Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.)

True confessions here today - I don't always say the right things! Words escape my lips that would have best been left unsaid. What's worse is that I know there are times when I should just stay silent and someone goads me into speaking and then I let it all out! The truth of the matter is that whenever there is less thought behind the words and more emotion, they don't always come out in the best manner or with the most gracious of intent!

Don’t let even one rotten word seep out of your mouths. Instead, offer only fresh words that build others up when they need it most. That way your good words will communicate grace to those who hear them. (Ephesians 4:29)

Do you always say words that build others up? I have been around individuals that seem to always be speaking very 'sappy' words. The words just 'drip' from their lips like some sweet substance, but I often wonder if they are really heartfelt words, or just some form of flattery. It is sometimes hard to tell the difference between the two! Did you know that words that are spoken to flatter or 'build up' in an untruthful manner are just as 'rotten' as the ones spoken without much thought behind them? Flattery is a relationship killer - not a builder. Be intentional in your words, so that the words you speak genuinely build up.

How about the words you speak to yourself? Are they words that build up or tear down? We all speak 'about ourselves' - sometimes it is in our own head, but we all have these conversations. What do those words say about your view of yourself? If they are words that continually build up and 'stroke' one's own ego, maybe they are as hurtful as the harsh words that tear down. It isn't wrong to build one's self up, unless we are developing an elevated view of our worth in the process. For example, if I begin to tell myself over and over that the project I am engaged in could not go well without me, believing that others really aren't as 'significant' in their contributions as I am, I am likely developing an unhealthy 'mind conversation' that is feeding my ego.

Positive words are good, but the intent behind them is equally as important. Be genuine in your praise, but don't speak it to flatter. Flattery is really insincere compliments or praise that has at its roots one's own self-interest. Be truthful within your 'mind conversations'. Remember - the true value of our worth is not found in what we can do, have done, or think about ourselves. It is determined by being in right relationship with God - our worth is found in restored relationship. Life isn't about our 'self-esteem' because that is never going to change in God's eyes. He gave his Son to declare our value! Just sayin!

Tell me honestly - I can take it

The last thing most of us want is any kind of reprimand - let alone a serious one. On a scale of 1 to 10, most of us would say a reprimand ranks as a 1 to 3 on the scale of "I really wanted that". Not too many of us would even give it higher than a 5 because we really don't enjoy being reprimanded because it is uncomfortable and often a little 'intrusive' into who we really are or how we are acting. A reprimand is always associated with behavior that just did not "measure up". It carries with it the idea of rebuke or reproof. I always knew I was in for a little bit of a reprimand by the tone of mom's voice, or when she'd use my whole name! It made my hair kind of stand up on the back of my neck - because I knew something I did crossed the line. She could have tried some kind of "positive affirmation", but let me tell you, it wouldn't have had the same effect. There is just something about hearing quite clearly that you missed the mark - isn't there?

In the end, serious reprimand is appreciated far more than boot-licking flattery. (Proverbs 28:23)

A rebuke is often coupled with the admonition to change one's ways, or else you will endure the consequences. To be reproved is to have one's behavior corrected - to provide direction as to how we should be acting or responding, rather than the way we did respond. Realizing that a reprimand carries with it the idea of both, how many of us would line up for a reprimand now? Having our behavior "pointed out" or "called out" is often quite uncomfortable for us. We get very self-conscious - when this happens, we want to "preserve" as much face as possible. So, we may become very skilled at trying to avoid the truth about our behavior - sometimes going to the extreme to cover it up! Having friends that do nothing more than lavish us with boot licking flattery is pretty lame. We call this "brown-nosing" today. I won't elaborate on that one!

I have endured both - if I were to be honest, I'd also have to tell you that I have been the instigator of both, as well. It is much easier to give a compliment and avoid conflict than it is to encounter a wrong behavior, or someone completely missing the mark. Flattery is really insincere speech of any kind - if we are not honest, we are probably engaging in a little flattery more than we might first like to admit. The difference between words of flattery and a reprimand is the result or outcome of those words. Flattery feeds my ego - a reprimand causes me to look at myself through the eyes of another which can sometimes give me a greater insight into where I am missing the mark than any other form of communication. A reprimand often exposes the unrealized results of my selfish behavior as it affects both my own walk, AND how it affects those around me. We don't live on an island all by ourselves - so, what we do and say affects more than ourselves.

A faithful friend will bring both words of encouragement (not flattery) and words of rebuke/reproof as warranted. Notice that I said "as warranted" - just being friends doesn't give us permission to constantly point out things that we don't like that another does. There are some things that we each do that aren't exactly the way another might do them, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with the way they do them! It is their way of doing them and we need to allow them the freedom to do those things in ways that they have become familiar with as long as those 'ways' don't hurt others, or lead that friend down a pathway that could lead to their ultimate harm. 

Ever notice that it is much easier to accept encouragement or a rebuke from a friend? When relationship is established, the words have a different level of "hitting home". We may not appreciate a rebuke the first time we hear the words, but later, once we have had time to process them and the love with which they were spoken, we have a greater appreciation for both the reprimand and the friend who brought it. Let's be faithful in relationship to not only bring encouragement to each other, but to also add that element of "iron sharpening iron", as needed. When we are committed within relationship, there is no room for boot licking flattery! Just sayin!