Some thoughts on marriage

"It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages." (Friedrich Nietzsche)  If you look at what others may consider to be "successful" marriages, it usually becomes quite apparent they are more than lovers - they are friends. They are more than parents - they are comrades in arms - ready to do battle to keep them safe, out of harm's way, and steadily moving along toward adulthood. Marriage is kind of romanticized these days - with TV movies making it look so easy for two people to "fall in love" and "live happily ever after". The truth of the matter - the "happily ever after" is riddled with all kinds of potholes, some the size of mortar craters, and lots of opportunities for losing your way!

You see, the Eternal sees our ways before Him. He watches every move we make and knows where those paths lead. (Proverbs 5:21 VOICE)

One thing remains true in all "really good" marriages I have observed - there is an ability to weather the bad times, navigate the storms, and come out stronger together when Christ is at the center of the relationship. I think he is the one who helps the "individuals" who become a "couple" to actually learn about each other, what each other needs, and where each one finds their place of purpose and fulfillment. Now, this may seem like an odd observation from a divorced, single woman in her late fifties, but hear me out on this one. I have had the better part of a quarter century since my divorce to observe those who have "made it work" and have consistently observed some pretty important things. Here are just a few:

- The stuff we might think matters so much in the end probably doesn't matter all that much - be willing to compromise. To hold onto one's own opinion of the way things should be, or what one envisions as the "perfect" answer to whatever is being considered is probably not exactly the way the other sees it - be willing to come to a place of mutual consent or consensus. There is definitely something to be said about finding the "middle-ground" - not one, nor the other may get "all" they want, but each comes closer when the middle-ground can be reached.

- Words hurt almost as much as actions - be careful with what you allow out of your mouth for those very things may be the things which trip you up over and over again as a couple. Feelings get bruised very easily, especially when one is tired, at the end of one's whits with problems at work or with the children, or even too distracted to really notice what is happening around them. The things which escape our lips are seldom able to be undone - once spoken, they hang out there in the air for a long, long time.

- There is much wisdom in not allowing one or the other to go to bed angry. A small amount of time spent ironing out the matter prior to going to bed is time well-spent. Anger grows as one mulls things over and over again - time spent now getting to the end of the matter is going to keep a root of bitterness from ever getting a stronghold in the relationship.

- A couple may be more alike than they know, but until they actually begin to talk through whatever it is they are walking through, they don't realize just how close they are in finding the same solution to the problem. When both are unwilling to give up, there is always a way to find a solution - Christ is more than enough. This is why I go back to the thought about having him in the center of the relationship - for he is the glue that binds, the neutral ground that facilitates agreement, and the bonding strength that will guide the couple through many a "hairy" period.

- When things get toughest, it is usually that season that will produce the best and strongest bonds within the relationship, especially when Christ is at the center. Just sayin!

Second Fiddle and Loving It!

Do you dislike "playing second fiddle" to anyone?  You know - being subordinate to anyone or anything.  If some of us were really honest right now, we'd admit we don't like "playing second fiddle" to anyone or anything!  We like being in charge and we don't want to depend on anyone else.  There is something to be learned in dependence which never will be learned as long as we declare and hold fast to our independence though.  Maybe this lesson is just too hard to learn, so we resist it so dearly.  A friend and I were talking the other day about whether either of us would see ourselves remarried again in the future.  It came down to a talk about liking our "independence" vs. "being dependent" on someone else.  Bottom line, I ended the conversation with, "Independence is not always what it is cracked up to be!"

Love from the center of who you are; don’t fake it. Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good. Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle.  (Romans 12:9-10 MSG)

For those who don't know me, you should know I have been "single again" for longer than I was "single" in the first place!  I married at 20 and have been "single again" for nearly 25 years.  In that time, I raised two kids, have enjoyed being involved in the lives of my two grandsons, and most recently been in the position of caring for an aging parent.  In each of these relationship "journeys" I have learned some pretty valuable lessons about "playing second fiddle" - something which does not come easily to most of us in relationships.

In my marriage, one of the toughest things to do was to "play second fiddle". To lay one's desires down for another's is often a very difficult thing to do.  Let me just say this is most certainly not being "under the thumb" of a controlling husband, or living as a "doormat" in a relationship.  If you have ever played a team sport such as softball, football, or soccer, you know there are individuals on the team who do a much better job of setting the ball up, fielding the balls hit into the deep outfield, and scoring the goals.  The one who sets the ball up for the goal to be scored is equally as important at the kicker who puts it into the goal!  One without the other is really not a team, but an "independent contractor".  I don't think God intended for "independent contractors" in relationships.  In looking back over my ten years of marriage, I think he intended for us to recognize the strengths of the other in the relationship and to compliment each other with those strengths.

In raising children some mothers will tell you they feel like those wee ones just "suck the life" from them.  It is like they are "leaching" the life right out of you some days - clinging on you, demanding more and more, until you are about worn down to nothing.  Their needs often outweigh our own, don't they?  We don't want to awaken at 2 a.m. to a crying infant, pleading to be held, freshly diapered, and beckoning for their tummy to be filled to capacity.  In fact, to be honest, we want to roll over, pull the pillow over our heads, snuggle down into the warm covers and hope the noise just goes away!  What I learned from motherhood may not be much of a lesson to you, but it was to me.  I learned what it really means to be dependent on another - for those wees one had a way of "taking from me" exactly what they needed most.  Maybe this is the lesson of parenthood - learning to give what another needs, regardless of how much our emotions cry out for us to just think about ourselves.  

Grandchildren are indeed a gift from God.  You can love them, spoil them silly, and then send them home!  Yet, there is something which has come into my life with grandchildren - the ability to mentor and model.  You see, my children now come to me for advice - something they never considered all that worthwhile when they were teenagers!  In those moments, I see what it means to be "dependent" on another - looking for answers about how to make ends meet, hoping for some cure to make the kids eat their vegetables, or simply finding ways to make time for the other in a hectic life filled with work and chores.  Maybe God allows parents to again be "smart" in the eyes of their children because he knows they need role models who show them how to live out this faith in their day-to-day life.

Probably most revealing to me is the role of an aging parent debilitated by the years and with failing faculties - totally dependent on another for their safety, every provision of life, and even for their socialization.  They never wanted to be where they find themselves now, but it is a reality of life which they cannot escape.  They never envisioned themselves moving from independence into dependence.  Maybe God's lesson in this is the beauty of giving back what has been given out for so many years - their faithful love matched with our faithful care.

Dependence vs. independence - the lesson of the "second fiddle".  The best music is made when we recognize the times for "first fiddle" to begin to "play second fiddle".  Just sayin!

A certain aptitude and grace....

As a kid, I'd want to do some things which my parents felt I was "not big enough" to do.  I think we all faced this challenge - things appealing to us, being a little risky, but we just weren't "mature enough" to handle them.  How many times did you actually run off and attempt it anyway?  If you were like me, you saw it as a challenge to hear you were not "mature enough" instead of listening to the sage advice of your elders!  How'd that work out for you?  I imagine it may have worked out as well for you as it did for me!  There are just some things we are truly "not mature enough" to handle in life!  

But Jesus said, "Not everyone is mature enough to live a married life. It requires a certain aptitude and grace. Marriage isn't for everyone. Some, from birth seemingly, never give marriage a thought. Others never get asked—or accepted. And some decide not to get married for kingdom reasons. But if you're capable of growing into the largeness of marriage, do it."  (Matthew 19:11-12 The Message)

One of the things my parents cautioned me against was my entering into marriage at a young age.  Yeah, I was 20 when I married, but I had a whole lot of maturing left to do - a thing I really did not recognize until I was smack-dab in the middle of the tough stuff involved in marriage!  We'd fight over the silliest things, taking offense at the slightest infraction, and generally show our immaturity at the drop of a hat.  I liked the idea of "being married", but I lacked the depth of sacrifice it would require!

I had barely been out on my own (if you can call military life as "being on your own") for about a year and a half.  I took orders everyday, doing the work assigned, without really having to use my own mind to plan out the day.  I went from the protection of my parents' home into the "protection" of a military family.  In retrospect, I can see what I declared to be "independence" was really a far cry from truly being "on my own".

Jesus is being challenged by the religious leaders to give a little insight into the legality of divorce.  He knows the intent of their hearts is to trip him up somehow, showing he does not interpret the Law of Moses well, or that he has his own ideas which are contradictory to the Law.  In return, he answers with a more "telling" truth than many might have realized on the surface.  He painted the picture of the "toughness" of marriage.  In fact, he put it very well when he said, "...if you are capable of GROWING into the LARGENESS of marriage, do it."  

If you were like me, you had to attend some "pre-marital counseling" prior to the pastor being willing to perform the ceremony.  These sessions were designed to give us insight into some of the "growth" opportunities we'd be challenged with inside the boundaries of marriage.  Things like learning how to handle money well, developing solid communication patterns which would bring out the best in each other, etc.  As young adults, being "in love" represented all we needed to make it, didn't it?  We somehow imagined all we needed was each other - no matter the challenge, if we had each other, we'd make it through.

I have to be totally honest with you - I was "in love" without knowing what it was like to actually "love" someone or to receive their love in return.  In retrospect, I realize I responded to the emotion of love (the feelings), not the action of love (the hard work love requires).  It took ten years to teach me just how much about love I really did not understand when I said, "I do".  It has taken another 24 years to allow God's love to become the foundation of my actions and to rule over my emotions.  Yes, if you have read my short bio, then you know my marriage ended in divorce.  But...it was not for the lack of trying!

In fact, I learned more about how to sacrifice for another in those ten years than I ever thought possible.  First, it was my husband - then my two children.  I learned to put down selfishness - giving of myself in ways I never dreamed I'd have to.  I am not proud of the fact my marriage ended in divorce, but it did.  What has transpired in the 24 years since then has revealed many a lesson in grace, forgiveness, letting go, and really learning how to differentiate between "feeling" and "action".  Yep, I am a statistic.  But...I don't live as a statistic!  I live as a woman embraced by the grace of God.

Jesus said it well - it takes a capability beyond our imagining - beyond our capacity.  It takes Christ IN us to really be able to love another as we should. It takes his grace filling us to overflowing in order to expand our capacity!  It is the expansion of our capacity which makes us able to love when the going gets tough.  It is his grace which gives us the capacity to forgive when forgiveness is likely not deserved.  In fact, isn't this the very essence of grace - unmerited favor?  

I don't know, but I think someone might be considering if it is all over - if the choice they made was the right one.  Still others might be considering if they have what it takes to make it through to the other side of this tough time in their relationship.  Others may have fallen into a pit of depression because they have been alone for so long.  I don't know where you are today, but I can say this with certainty - if Christ is in the place of prominence in your life, you will see his grace - it may not be in the ways you imagined, but it will come!  The "capacity" we have we often describe as "maturity".  I have learned it takes more than chronological age to develop maturity - it takes the expansion of our capacity.  

Capacity can be limited by the other "stuff" we allow into the space his grace desires to fill.  When we finally let go of the other "stuff", he has the ability to fill us to capacity  - -  even to expand our capacity!  If you need a little expanding today, maybe the first step should be in getting rid of some of the "stuff" cluttering up the places in your heart and mind which his grace so desperately needs to fill.  Try it!  You might just be surprised what "maturity" looks like!

Drinking from our own well

Mark well that God doesn't miss a move you make;
   he's aware of every step you take.

(Proverbs 5:21)

This chapter begins again with a warning to pay attention to wisdom and listen closely to the Words of God.  I think Solomon was sharing an important concept - the power of a listening ear and a responsive heart.  He was also repeatedly concerned with the idea that we need to be selective about what and who it is that we are paying attention to.  As we pay attention and learn to listen carefully to wise counsel, we learn to make discretionary decision and to grow in knowledge.  Today, we have various "counsel" that influences our "discretionary" decision - what we hear in the marketplace, the example of leaders, in-your-face celebrities, and the list goes on.  Our youth of today are often influenced more by the examples portrayed in our media than they are by examples right before their eyes in "real life". 

Solomon begins with the idea:  Run from evil!  Notice, he does not say to simply turn our backs on evil - the statement is to "RUN" from it!  The idea is to put some distance between us and what is evil.  Whenever we entertain wrong thoughts/ideas, we are certain to be affected by them.  When we embrace them, we are headed right into that which will destroy our focus, impact our intent, and influence our integrity.  His warning is clear - there is a certain end to embracing sin and that end is far from pleasant.  

This entire chapter deals with the relations we have with those of the opposite sex - those we might enter into relationship with in more than just a casual sense.  His advice to us is to be very, very careful!  There is a destructive influence to treating these relationships in a casual manner.  I will not dwell long on this, but suffice it to say that our society has devalued the importance of marriage - of solid, committed relationships.  In fact, there is a tendency to say that there is nothing wrong with living together without the commitment of marriage.  Marriage is indeed a "dis-solvable" state.  If we find we cannot "solve" issues - we simply dissolve the union!

^15-16 Do you know the saying, "Drink from your own rain barrel, 

   draw water from your own spring-fed well"?

It's true. Otherwise, you may one day come home 

   and find your barrel empty and your well polluted. 

The message is pretty clear - if we are going to have the advantages of a married relationship, we need to be committed to it.  We are not to be flitting about from relationship to relationship.  There is something within us that yearns for commitment - even if we say we don't.  It is in the make-up of our inner being.  The damaged people who experience the end results of never making a commitment are scattered all over our communities at this very moment.  Talk long enough with these individuals and you will see that emotions are raw, desires have been left unfulfilled, and trust is far from easy.  

The "advice" of our wise counsel in this chapter is to consider well the choices we make with the relationships we pursue.  They can be our greatest undoing, or our greatest advantage.  It is all in how we pursue them, value them, and commit to them.  God sees clearly what a man does and he examines every path he takes.  Nothing escapes God's view - he also ensures that we always have positive examples in our view so that we can learn to pattern our lives by those examples.  To be sure, we also have plenty of "not so good" examples around us.  We must become selective in those we choose to emulate - our end as a society is based on the choices we make in the hear and now!