Life Hack #17: Recognize, Respect, and Uphold

Life Hack #17:

Listen with respect to the father who raised you, and when your mother grows old, don’t neglect her. Buy truth—don’t sell it for love or money; buy wisdom, buy education, buy insight. Parents rejoice when their children turn out well; wise children become proud parents. So make your father happy! Make your mother proud! (Proverbs 23:22-25)

In today's culture, we might find that parents have become "chums" to their kids rather than parents. The move toward "befriending" the child has brought about a kind of disrespect which society sees manifest in a multitude of ways - everything from the simple rebellions of back talk, crossing boundaries with too much ease, disrespecting teachers at school, engaging in rebellious behaviors, and keeping wrong company. Parents have a role in raising their kids - more than just to put food on the table and clothes on their back - just as much as kids have a role in bringing respect and honor to their parents. That said, the two roles need to be recognized, respected, and upheld - by all parties.

When an individual becomes a parent, it is a lifelong endeavor - not easily ended at the age when the minor becomes an adult. Kids start out in this life acting like little leeches, hanging on for dear life to their parents, sucking the very life from them. As time goes on, they want nothing to do with their parents. It is a sad fact, but today's society often separates parents from children by not only miles, but also by the demands on one's time, energies, and abilities. In turn, kids end up missing out on the tremendous blessing of the wisdom of the parent and parents end up missing out on the awesome honor of seeing how their kids really function in this world.

We are not to be easily separated from the structure God provided for our overall well-being. Parents are to raise us in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, giving us a set of standards upon which we can base our life decisions and daily choices. Children are not only to listen to the wisdom they receive, but embrace it, and then replicate it in the lives of their own children. 

It is a circle of sorts, passing down from one generation to the next the foundation of loving God first, serving him with all your heart, and then living out that love in the other relationships you form in this world. We bring joy to our parents when we model good behavior, wise choices, and live as examples of Christ in this world. Honor is not something our parents owe us; it is something we owe to them. We bring it to them by the evidence of Christ-centered "foundational living" in our lives. Recognize each other - respect one another - uphold those relationships. They matter! Just sayin!

More than a hug

I just want to pause for a moment or two today to take a little time for those who are caregivers of one or both of their parents.  In today's rush-rush, get it all done world, we sometimes work ourselves to a frazzle and forget about the many blessings taking care of this loved one actually places in our lives.  I know there are moments when mom, with failing eyesight can't see what she cannot see, creating a little more more work for me in the long run; and her hearing becoming less and less acute, that I just want to throw up my hands and get a little frustrated when I have to repeat what has just been said not once, but multiple times until she gets it.  Yet, in the moments in between those moments of seeing the little extra work, or repeating the same things again, I relish the times we spend just hanging together as companions.  To those who are caregivers, I salute you.  I reach out to you with a heart of understanding, knowing full-well that your life gets a little "bogged down" on occasion especially when you'd like to be foot-loose and fancy-free.  I also know how challenging it will be to have only the memories of that loved one with you long after he or she has departed this earth for eternity.  

A widow who really needs help is one who has been left all alone. She trusts God to take care of her. She prays all the time, night and day, and asks God for help. (I Timothy 5:5 ERV)

Some things you may not want to miss right now in those moments you have that mother or father at your side, are really captured in one simple action - a hug.

- It doesn't have to be for a reason, and it may shock them once in a while to just reach out and envelope them in a big bear hug, but do it.  You may not realize it, but they need that hug as much as you needed to give it.  The benefits of a hug have been studied over the ages have recognized not only the emotional benefits (such as reducing loneliness and anxiety), but the physical benefits which actually help to reduce the effects of disease in the body.  

- Did you realize that a hug builds and reinforces trust.  When two bodies draw close together, almost as though one heart is touching the heart of another, close enough to actually hear the other breathe and even hear the beat of their heart, trust is shared.  There is a deep sense of safety which passes between the two.  In your younger years, that sense of trust was established when they hugged you - now it is your turn to pass that sense of safety onto them!

- Something is released in a hug deep within the center of our brain - a chemical response which gives us a sense of well-being and just a "good feeling".  I don't know about you, but sometimes there aren't enough "good feeling" actions in my day to make up for all the "bad feeling" actions I must endure while dealing with the pressures at work.  That simple action of whatever is released (I think it is the chemical known as oxytocin), opens our hearts to renewal and our minds to peace.  Not a bad return for a couple of seconds just holding someone close.

- If you aren't a "toucher" or "hugger", you probably won't understand this next one, so hang on.  Touch actually builds self-confidence, or what some might call a sense of self-worth and value. When someone cares enough to touch you - to make that connection - there is something exchanged in that moment which says you are a valued part of their life.  I don't always stop to hug mom, but we do take hands as watch TV or listen to a book on CD.  Either one of us just reaches out to the other across the couch and takes a hand for a moment or two.  Those bony fingers, worn by time and lots of hard work, just encase mine. Herein is the passage of something not well-studied, but certainly "felt" in that moment of connection.  Don't forget even the simplest of embraces can make all the difference in a person's life - even when it is just reaching out to take a hand for just a moment.

- Hugs also help us release what is being held up in our bodies - like the tensions of the day.  I often hug my BFF, not because I have to, but because we appreciate each other.  We also can sense the tension in the other's life at the moment and there are times when that hug just lingers a moment longer, or is a little "tighter" - when those pressures of the day just seem to melt away. It goes without saying - we all need this "pressure release".  Even our elderly parents have their pressures, for they worry about their failing health, think about the needs of the family as they see them growing up and moving on, and then they feel the pressures put upon you as their caregiver, knowing full-well you had enough already to do in your busy world.  Help them as much as you help yourself - hug away that tension!  You may one day reach out to hold them near and find the time has passed you by.  Don't let it escape you - hug them now and hug them often!  Just sayin!

Principle 16: Do Your Parents Proud

Parents don't seem to get the same respect they once received, do they?  In today's culture, parents become "chums" to their kids, rather than parents. The move toward "befriending" the child has brought about a kind of disrespect which society sees manifest in a multitude of ways - everything from the simple rebellions of back talk, crossing boundaries with too much ease, up to dropping out of school, engaging in rebellious behaviors, and keeping wrong company.  No wonder our sixteenth principle deals with the attitude we are to have toward our kids and the attitude they are to exhibit toward us!  Parents have a role in raising their kids - more than just to put food on the table and clothes on their back - just as much as kids have a role in bringing respect and honor to their parents.  That said, the two roles need to be recognized, respected, and upheld.

Listen with respect to the father who raised you, and when your mother grows old, don’t neglect her.  Buy truth—don’t sell it for love or money; buy wisdom, buy education, buy insight.  Parents rejoice when their children turn out well; wise children become proud parents.  So make your father happy!  Make your mother proud!  (Proverbs 23:22-25 MSG)

Parents - those who give life to the child.  When an individual becomes a parent, it is a lifelong endeavor - not easily ended at the age when the minor becomes an adult.  To this day, my 95 year old mother worries about me - those things which affect me at work life, in my home life, and even in my spiritual life.  She will shuffle over, sit down beside me on the couch, pat my knee and just sit there.  I know this is a sign of her just being concerned about how I am doing.  In the mornings, she will find her way to wherever I am perched at the computer, kiss the top of my head, tell me she loves me, and then she might return to bed or go make her cup of tea.  At night, she tells me she loves me and that she hopes I sleep well.  She is limited in sight, but she picks up on me having a hard day at work when she hears it in my voice or notices me being a little more quiet than usual.  In turn, she asks what she can do for me.  At 95, I should be asking what I can do for her!

Children - those who take life.  Kids start out in this life acting like little leeches, hanging on for dear life to their parents, sucking the very life from them.  As time goes on, they want nothing to do with the parent, leaving them alone to fend for themselves, even in the advancing years of "old age". One of the things I hear my mom say quite often is that she wished this friend or that one had someone as good as her children to take care of them in their elder years.  It is a sad fact, but today's society often separates parents from children by not only miles, but also by the demands on one's time, energies, and abilities.  In turn, kids end up missing out on the tremendous blessing of the wisdom of the parent and parents end up missing out on the awesome honor of seeing how their kids really function in this world.

Our writer puts the two together as a reminder that we are not to be easily separated from the structure God provided for our overall well-being.  Parents are to raise us in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, giving us a set of standards upon which we can base our life decisions and daily choices. Children are to not only listen to the wisdom they receive, but embrace it, and then replicate it in the lives of their own children.  It is a circle of sorts, passing down from one generation to the next the foundation of loving God first, serving him with all your heart, and then living out that love in the other relationships you form in this world.  We bring joy to our parents when we model good behavior, wise choices, and live as examples of Christ in this world.  Honor is not something our parents owe us, it is something we owe to them.  We bring it to them by the evidence of "foundational living" in our lives.  Just sayin!

Honor your parents.

Honor:  To hold in high respect; confers a combination of liking and respect; high respect as for worth or merit.  The passage today speaks about the "first commandment that has a promise attached to it".  Many commandments in the Bible are simply to be obeyed as "boundaries" over our lives - the provide protection in some form or another.  For example, some of the commandments are "relationship" based - ones like don't commit adultery (get into bed with another person's spouse and your own relationship will crumble).  Others are designed to ensure some semblance of control over our emotions - like the command to not covet (desiring what others have and never being content in our present circumstance).  Still others are clear boundaries on who is to be first in our lives - like the command to have no other god but God himself (give him first place - make no room for any other thing to be first in your life).  Yet, these commands don't come with a promise.  They are "rules" for living which will keep us safe and on a "solid" foundation, but the one in our passage today refers to a promise.  Let's explore.

Children, do what your parents tell you. This is only right. “Honor your father and mother” is the first commandment that has a promise attached to it, namely, “so you will live well and have a long life.”  (Ephesians 6:1-3 MSG)

It is a command to "children".  Now, unless you are upon this earth by some other means than being birthed, this command applies to you!  Children are to honor their fathers and mothers - respect - have a combined degree of "like" and "respect" in relating to our parents.  For some of us, this comes easily, as we had great examples in our parents.  For others, this might present a little bit of a challenge.  For those whose parent(s) may have been less than "honorable", here's what I can advise.  God looks at our heart in the matter.  If we hold onto the "hurt" they caused - through their abuse, neglect, absenteeism, or any other factor - we get "hurt", not them.  We lose out on more than the relationship with them, but also on the promise referred to above.  So, how do we get past the "hurt" of our "less than honorable" parents and into a place where we can "honor" them?

Let me just say, "honoring" our parents does not always mean we will have perfect relationships with them, but we will have "clean hearts".  In other words, we release the "hurts" of the "bad parenting" to God, allowing him to model for us what parenting should look like.  We don't hold onto the bitterness of the past abuses and neglect, but release our parent(s) to God - allowing him to work on our parents while he works on us.  This may seem very simplistic, but for those who have been able to bring "bad parents" before God, giving him all the hurts of their parenting, and allowed him to begin the work of setting their hearts right, there has been release, renewed strength, and often compassion for the parent who just did not do "parenting" well.  God's work begins when we let go of the hurt - his restoration begins when we give him the ability to "parent" our lives like our own natural parents did not.

I am honored to have had two very wonderful parents.  Dad was a stellar example of a father - always there, always a solid provider, and never too busy to take time for us.  He was firm, yet loving.  My mom is very special to me because she actually "chose" me as her child.  You see, my birth mother died when I was just a toddler, leaving my brother, sister, and I with much "parenting" which needed to be continued through the years.  God's gift to our family was my mom - marrying into our "ready-made" family when I was just a wee lass.  She was a perfect help-meet to my father for the nearly 30 years they enjoyed together before he passed.  My brother and sister have been privileged to know two mothers.  I have known only one - and a blessing she has been all these years.

Honor your parents - a command with a promise.  The promise:  So you will live well and have a long life.  Ponder that one a little, will you?  So you will live well - not mediocre living, but a life which is lived with propriety, justice and reason.  Propriety bespeaks solidly good behavior.  Justice bespeaks moral choices which are upright and sound in all respects.  Reason bespeaks what we often refer to as exercising good sense.  Honoring our parents helps us to develop these three characteristics in our lives.  Who knew?  Not only do we develop some pretty awesome character traits which keep us on the course of living upright lives, but we live a long life.  Maybe this is because when we understand the "choice" to "honor" we understand the choice to also "give over" what we cannot "honor" in their parenting skill.  In other words, we don't harbor bitterness over the stuff they do/did wrong.  We let go - in letting go, we don't get bogged down with the things which eat away at us and serve to shorten our lives.

None of us had "perfect" parents.  None of us who are parents were the perfect parent either!  We made mistakes - they made mistakes.  Some of us easily recognize our mistakes and make every effort to correct them - others may still not see their mistakes and suffer the consequences of broken relationships as a result.  Regardless of where we find ourselves today, here's the crux of the matter:  Honor your parents.  In exhibiting good behavior, which is filled with sound choices and solid morals, exercising the best of sense when we make decisions, we are showing evidence we have moved into a place of honoring them.  We may not have the most "honorable" of parents, but we do have at least one "parent" worthy of our honor - God himself.  When we begin to give God the "less than honorable" in our natural parents, he gives back the "more than honorable" life traits we begin to form as a result.  Just sayin!

But...they don't deserve it!

It seems parents are just not held in the same "honor" as they were in times past.  Look at an old episode of the Waltons, Leave it to Beaver, or Little House on the Prairie and compare the "honor" a parent received in the past with how a parent is treated today!  You may be saying, "Yeah, but come on, those shows depicted the ways families should be!"  Exactly!  the fact remains, we have been instructed to "honor" our parents.


¹² “Honor your father and mother. Then you will live a long, full life in the land the LORD your God is giving you."  (Exodus 20:12 New Living Translation)


It is a command with a promise - one of those "meet this" and "get this" kind of deals!  This is our fifth in a series of "rules" given to us - designed to keep us safe from pitfalls.  In this "rule" of living, God reminds us of the importance of honoring our parents - giving them respect, esteeming their "skill" as a parent, and even overlooking their "lack of skill"!


The crux of the word "honor" really comes in the interpretation of this word as "revere".  We are to revere our parents - not the same awe we give to God, idolizing them in some manner - but simply deeply being in respect of their position as the authority over our lives for our "growing up" days.


Some are probably thinking, "Yeah, but you have never met MY parents!"  They may not be ideal, but they are our parents!  Their "skill" as parents may not be great, but the fact remains, they ARE our parents!  We are asked to honor them in recognition of their position, not always their "qualities" as our parents.  


We may have a parent who struggles with life's dominating sins such as alcoholism, drug abuse, or simply any other form of self-defeating behavior we could imagine - even being an "absent" parent.  Their "example" may not be one of holiness, but their position as our parent does not change.  In fact, God still asks for us to honor them.  He is not asking us to hold them up as perfect examples we should "model".  He may only be asking us to not "turn on them" with unkind words, disrespectful attitudes, and anger.


In fact, the "job" of parenting in the natural sense does not come to those who are the best qualified!  There is no "pre-test" to ensure only the best and most qualified get the position of "parent"!  This being the case, we sometimes don't see the best examples of parents - folks who probably should never have brought a child into this world are doing it all the time!  Does God expect their children to honor them?  Yes!  Not for their sinfulness, but for their "position" as parent.  


We don't hold them up on a pedestal.  We don't follow in their footsteps of sinfulness.  We simply remember their position as "coverings" over our lives for a period of time.  In some cases, the "covering" is a little flawed - filled with all kinds of holes!  For those of you with this example of parent - pray for them!  Don't become bitter toward them!  Learn to turn their self-absorbed behaviors into a matter of prayer, not bitter rehearsal of their faults.


In honoring them, we are actually honoring God.  In refusing to become bitter toward them, we are modeling the grace of God.  In lifting them up before God we are actually respecting them as God asks.  We refuse to give into our desire to abandon them to their own sin - instead, we take them repeatedly before the throne of grace, petitioning God to touch their hearts in some manner.  


This is not the easiest of commandments - in fact, it may be the most difficult of them!  Especially for those with parents who are abusive, anger-filled, manipulative, or given to some life-dominating sin.  Yet, it comes with the blessing of God's protection over our lives!