Beware of the Dog!

If you have ever found yourself getting into the middle of someone else's argument, then you know how messed up things can become for YOU in just a short period of time!  What started out as an innocent concern for someone else's well-being ended up becoming quite a mess for you to mop up in your own life!  How do we get wrapped up in these things?  Well, if we were to be totally honest, most of us haven't really gotten past our tendency to want to "be in the know" about stuff, so we meddle!  Meddlers pay the price - often with a little skin off their own backsides!  Meddling is just a polite word for saying we like to get the scoop, or have something to gossip about.  In fact, this burning desire to either be in the middle of the situation, or to have the hair-brained idea that we know how to solve the issue we don't even own is what propels us forward even when common sense is telling us to stay away! Perhaps it is time to consider just how much extra strife we bring into our lives by thinking we can solve the problems of another when we clearly don't even know what the problem is in the first place.  If we did this "up front", we might just make a few less missteps into places we don't belong.

You grab a mad dog by the ears when you butt into a quarrel that’s none of your business.  (Proverbs 26:17 MSG)

Our writer puts it so aptly - getting involved in stuff which doesn't concern us in the first place is like grabbing a mad dog by the ears.  I have seen some mad dogs in my days and I am pretty sure I didn't want to be on the receiving end of what they were dishing out!  Mad dogs are kind of unpredictable - they may be focused on another dog until you put a hand out to separate them - then in an instant your hand can become the object of his focus!  My son was attacked by a pit bull mix stray when he was about a freshman in high school. A friend had taken this stray into his backyard one day as he didn't want him to be hit by a car.  The animal appeared quite docile and friendly.  He would play fetch with my friend and seemed quite interested in getting a few scratches behind the ears.  Until my son stepped into the yard, that is.  We don't know if it was perhaps the fact he was wearing a baseball cap, or my son's voice, but whatever it was, the dog attacked.  In an instant, the dog turned from nice to nasty and we were grabbing at both my son and the dog to try to separate the two.

In this case, only one was intent on remaining firm - the dog.  For some strange reason, he laid into my son and began biting at his arm, then his face.  It took much strength, but my friend and several others who were visiting that night separated the dog from my son, allowing us to usher him into the house where we could begin to assess his wounds.  The dog settled eventually, but no one felt safe again in his presence.  Whatever changed for the dog was a mystery to us - all we saw was the immediate attack and the aftermath of the injuries.  I think getting involved in issues we have no business being involved in is kind of like that dog attack - you don't see it coming, but the moment of transition will come, and when it does, it takes a whole lot of strength to separate from the fray!  The "assessed wounds" may even take a while to recognize.  In fact, it wasn't until much later down the road that I realized how much that one event changed my son's ability to interact with dogs later on.  The scars on his body had healed, but there were emotional ones not as easily recognized!

Maybe this is why we are cautioned against being an "interloper" in areas we don't belong.  The immediate threat may pass, but the scars left behind give evidence for a long, long time of having been involved in something we would have been better leaving alone.  For those of us who have grabbed a few "mad dogs" by the ears, let me just give a word of two of encouragement. First, we CAN heal, but healing takes time.  Those wounds don't take long to be created, but they take a little bit longer to heal.  It is only as we allow God to bring restoration and healing within the relationship that we can begin to see the scars fade and function return.  Second, if we are wise, we will evaluate where it was we took the first misstep into areas we didn't belong. It is this one simple process of looking back over our steps where we identify the place where we stepped into something we did not really have a part to play.  When we begin to uncover this misstep with the Lord's help, we can begin to prepare for how it is we will respond the next time we feel the urge to "jump in" where we are wiser to stay out.  Last, but not least, we need to realize some "dogs" just like to mix it up.  When we discover who these dogs are, we are less likely to frequent their kennels!  Just sayin!

That harmless wad of gum

I think we all have times when we just cannot avoid the quarrel - we step into it like we might just find an old piece of chewing gum on the bottom of our shoe after walking through the parking lot.  We did not intend to step on the gum - it was so small and almost unnoticeable on the ground.  Sure enough, the sticky goo latches onto the bottom of our shoe - and we are left with the mess of cleaning it up.  That one tiny piece of gum can leave a huge spot of sticky residue, can't it?  If not caught quickly, we can track it into our cars, leaving the sticky mess attached to floorboard carpeting, foot pedals, and the like.  Quarrels are a little like the chewing gum in the parking lot - no one really thinks about the consequences of just throwing something down.  We cast things around like they will not affect others, but in truth, what we think will go unnoticed and not really be all that harmful has the potential of becoming a huge mess with a lot of residue left behind which takes a whole lot of time to deal with!

Anyone who thinks and speaks evil can expect to find nothing good—only disaster.  An intelligent person aims at wise action, but a fool starts off in many directions.  Those who are sure of themselves do not talk all the time.  People who stay calm have real insight.  After all, even fools may be thought wise and intelligent if they stay quiet and keep their mouths shut. (Proverbs 17:20, 24, 27-28 GNT)

Scripture is quite clear - if you love the quarrel, you are actually saying you invite or enjoy sin in your life.  It is like you love to just chew up gum, spit it out on the ground and then watch for the poor, unknowing suspect who will be the recipient of your careless deed.  One of the things which can incite a quarrel quickly is the boastful attitude.  Boastful people actually invite disaster - their prideful display creates the atmosphere where quarrels begin. God's warning is clear - the crooked heart will not prosper.  

Control the tongue, or you will not prosper.  In fact, God refers to the one who cannot control his tongue as one who has a "twisted" tongue.  The one who exhibits this "twisted" tongue is actually an expert at altering the words that are spoken - changing the meaning of those words by their manipulation. Quarrelers use this skill well - so as to use the words spoken to turn the situation around to their way of thinking, altering the other person's perception of the issue.  The end - disaster.

As we have explored on many occasions, emotions play such an important part in our lives.  It is by emotion we respond.  It is by emotion we experience through our senses and intellect.  It is by emotion we connect with each other.  So, it makes sense that it is also by emotion we are roped into engaging in quarrels, or avoiding the sticky goo all together!  The condition of our heart determines our course.  We often rely upon our emotions too much to determine our course.  This is why we study so much about how our emotions can get us headed in the wrong direction if we allow them their full rein.  

Sensible people keep wisdom before them.  It is like they have "intuitive sensors" built into their shoes which immediately sense the gum and then take a side-step to avoid the sticky mess.  Sensible people don't just rely upon some "sixth sense" or "intuition" though.  They have come to practice sensibility - through learning how to make wise choices, take careful steps, and enjoy the journey.  Attentiveness is probably one of the hardest things to maintain in life.  We tend to wander in our focus, go off into some thought about the next thing we will have to do, etc.  Being present in the moment is quite difficult sometimes, but in truth, it is the only way we will ever spot the quarrel just waiting to unleash its mess on us!

A truly wise person exhibits:
- A correct focus.  They aren't just "focused", but their focus is correct.  When we want to affect the outcome of the circumstance, we often just need to change the focus.  
- An ability to use their words sparingly.  Wisdom is not manifest in the vast number of words spoken, but in the sincerity, integrity, and uprightness of the words chosen.
- A control on their temper.  There is a "governor" over their temper.  They don't "blow", but allow the "steam" to escape before it does damage.  They don't direct the "steam" at another, but allow it to be taken upward, dissipating as it is.
- A willingness to honor and submit to authority.  Many a quarrel is a matter of rebellion against some authority in our lives.  If it isn't some "natural" authority such as parent, boss, or the law, it is usually some type of rebellion against the authority of God.
- A tactful method of dealing with disappointment. The wise don't focus on the person, they don't hold the grudge because the event didn't have the outcome they desired.  They have learned to release and re-engage.  Let it go and then focus on making it right.
- An attitude of acceptance when facing the test.  Testing is a matter of life. None escape it - but to accept it as the means by which we grow, this takes wisdom.
- A genuine concern for the other guy.  Maybe this is why the wise will avoid the quarrel instead of engaging in it.  They are skilled at diffusing the situation because they focus more on the value of the other person than on the object of the quarrel.

Some of the sticky messes we are left with could have been avoided if we'd have just been a little more focused, directed our disappointment toward the one who can actually do something with it, and then shown how much we value the other individual over all the silliness of the mess which has been trying to lure us in.  Just sayin!

The hill you die on

³ It's a mark of good character to avert quarrels,
   but fools love to pick fights. 

(Proverbs 20:3)

Ever run across an individual that just seems contrary in all they do?  There is just no pleasing them - they find fault with everything and love to quarrel over the silliest of things.  There is a word for these type of individuals - fools!  Solomon makes it quite plain that a fool loves to pick a fight.  It is a mark of honor (of good character) to avoid a fight.  I am not implying that we actually live in a state of existence where we go through life without ever saying a cross word or entering into constructive debate periodically.  Yet, a man or woman of good character knows that insisting on a quarrel is not a sign of wisdom.

It is a good thing to overlook the small things in life.  There is a saying I heard some time ago that has stuck with me:  "Is this the hill you want to die on?"  In other words, is this the "battle" of the will or mind that you want to engage in?  "Small things" lead to the bigger battles when we allow ourselves to dwell upon them.  Angry outbursts and quarrels are a result of not overlooking an offense.  God honors the one who is able to turn away from fighting and to be a peacemaker.

Look at this passage again - it is not that we don't have the opportunity to quarrel, it is that we "avert" that opportunity.  This word carries both the idea of turning away before you enter into the quarrel and to prevent it before it has an opportunity to begin.  This is more than the "counting to ten" thing that some may engage in (not to say that this is bad) - it is the attitude of mind and heart that shows how much you value the other individual.  When we "turn away" or "turn aside" from a quarrel, we are choosing to honor God by not engaging in actions or the sharing of words that will not represent God well.

When we prevent a quarrel, we actually doing what God calls being a peacemaker.  A peacemaker is an intermediary - one who is able to see both sides of the coin.  There is an ability to not judge a situation by face value, but to see that there are always two sides to how a situation can be interpreted (each being valid in the other person's eyes).  

Today, we have a choice - it is to choose wisely the hills that we are willing to die on.  Quarrelsome behavior will soon wear us down, wear upon our relationships, and make us devoid of those strong supports we need in life.  Choose wisely - it is better to be numbered with the wise than with the fools!

Cheap words leave us with belly-aches

¹⁷ You grab a mad dog by the ears
   when you butt into a quarrel that's none of your business. 

(Proverbs 26:17)

Our passage today is pretty plain - stay out of other people's business!  When we butt into where we have no business being, we often find it is like taking hold of a rabid dog - we get bit!  This is a good lesson to learn, but a tough one to learn.  It easy to get caught up in the business of another.  Sometimes we do just because we "want to be in the know".  Other times it is because we "want to rescue" someone who is in the middle of a muddle.  Whatever the reason, we would do well to consider the consequences before we "step in the middle" of what we never belonged in in the first place!

²⁰ When you run out of wood, the fire goes out; 

   when the gossip ends, the quarrel dies down.

(Proverbs 26:20)

The passage goes on to remind us of the power of our words.  When we "stoke" the fires of passionate discourse with the words spoken out of our emotion rather than from rational thought, we often end up with a mess.  Being in the middle of a quarrelsome situation is not easily navigated.  We sometimes feel "caught up" in the midst of the moment - contributing to it without realizing that we are doing so.  Words are powerful instruments - they both build the momentum of the quarrel and have the ability to extinguish the quarrel.  The choice of words determines the outcome.  Our passage reminds us that when the gossip ends - the quarrel is extinguished.

Gossip is often thought of as the "back fence" type of communication - the secret exchanges of words that you engage in when others are not around.  They can also be the words we use to share those "juicy tidbits" that no one else knows.  Both are equally as damaging.  Another aspect of gossip that we don't really think of is the idea of "tattling" on another.  We use the words of gossip to share the "bad stuff" we think we know about another.  Our passage reminds us of the damage of these types of words - they cause quarrels.  

A quarrel is a break in friendly relations - it often ends relationships.  That seems extreme, but it is quite true.  Quarrels not resolved quickly will provide fuel for bitterness, resentment, and mistrust.  In turn, the relationship is damaged.  Quarrels emerge because there is a disagreement - someone is finding fault with another's actions, ideas, etc.  "Stoke" those ideas of "finding fault" and you end up with a rift in relationship.

 ²¹ A quarrelsome person in a dispute is like kerosene thrown on a fire.
 ²² Listening to gossip is like eating cheap candy; do you want junk like that in your belly? 

(Proverbs 26:21-22)

To wrap this up, the writer of our proverb reminds us that the character of a quarrelsome person leads them to be constantly "throwing kerosene" on the fire of the quarrel.  They just don't realize that their actions and words are being that damaging.  That is why we will do well to walk away from the exchange.  We will eventually be affected by the exchange if we don't.  The writer reminds us that even "listening" to the exchange affects us - it is like eating cheap candy - we end up with a belly-ache!