Be kind AND wise

Be wise in the way you act with those who are not believers. Use your time in the best way you can. When you talk, you should always be kind and wise. Then you will be able to answer everyone in the way you should. (Colossians 4:5-6)

Always be kind and wise. Does that describe your responses to other people you relate to on a frequent basis, much less others who might not know you that well? We have all probably seen those funny memes that depict someone getting on your last nerve, or that one that asks 'did I just say that out loud' kind of humor. The truth of the matter is that we frequently run into situations where we could say something that would not be all the kind or wise, but we 'hold back'. Sometimes it takes more than a little conscious effort to 'hold back', especially when tempers are running high, disappointment abounds, or the 'last nerve' type of stress kicks in.

Be wise in the way you act. I know the passages references the way we should treat those who are unbelievers - who have yet to say yes to Jesus - but it is also very important for us to treat all individuals with courtesy, respect, and sometimes even a bit of 'slack'. Wisdom exercised in relationships might mean we don't always speak all we want to speak or respond with actions that match or outdo the hurtful actions of another. There are just times when it is wiser to 'turn the other cheek' than it is to engage in whatever silliness our emotions might want to lead us into! 

Wisdom in relationships doesn't always come naturally, or all that easily. Sometimes we find ourselves challenged a bit, wanting to stand up for ourselves, and knowing if we do, a tremendous argument will ensue. I was in the doctor's office a few weeks ago when a man came in and began to 'goad' the whole room of people waiting to be seen. First it was his lecture about cell phones and no one looking at each other anymore. Then it got into political discussion. Last, but not least, came the discussion about churches not doing enough to respect the older members of the community by embracing all those new songs and types of worship services. To say the least, it took a great deal of wisdom to avoid jumping into the mess that rant created! There are just times when you'd like to speak, but you know wisdom dictates you shouldn't!

Be kind and wise. If you really stop to think about it, it is pretty difficult to be kind all of the time unless you allow wisdom to dictate your responses. Just sayin!

Traditions are good, but...

What defiles a man? Some would say it is one specific act, while others would say it is an accumulation of actions, all of which would be labeled as 'not very good'. Jesus was very specific - it is what in the heart that defiles a man. The actions are just a byproduct of what the heart desires or craves.

So the Pharisees and teachers of the law asked Jesus, “Why don’t your disciples live according to the tradition of the elders instead of eating their food with defiled hands?” He replied, “Isaiah was right when he prophesied about you hypocrites; as it is written: “‘These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. They worship me in vain; their teachings are merely human rules.’ You have let go of the commands of God and are holding on to human traditions.” (Mark 7:5-8)

There will always be those who think tradition must be upheld. It doesn't matter that it has become meaningless and 'mindlessly' performed. It just needs to be upheld. What sense does that make? Traditions are good, but when they become meaningless and are nothing more than 'performance', they really aren't worth pursuing, are they?

What is worse are those 'religious traditions' we 'follow', but we have no real understanding as to 'why' we are following them or what they are supposed to accomplish in our lives. This is why Jesus focuses so much on relationship with him. Relationship might involve some tradition - after all, Jesus taught his disciples to pray and to remember him through the 'tradition' of communion. The 'tradition' is not the focus, but rather the one who is the focus of that 'purposeful activity'.

Remember this - Jesus is always after the heart. His desire is a change of heart for each of us. Not so much that we forget all human traditions, but that we consider the 'value' or 'worth' of them based on what they accomplish. The tradition of gathering together on a certain holiday might bring those together who are miles apart, allowing a renewal of relationship, up close and personal. The tradition of going to church on Sunday just because it is what you have always done might not be such a good one because it lacks the closeness of relationship Jesus desires. Just sayin!

Not this again...

A gentle answer makes anger disappear, but a rough answer makes it grow. (Proverbs 15:1)

Many times, people aren't very good at taking hints - they need a direct, honest, and "tempered" response to whatever it is they are doing or saying which gives us concern. We all think someone will get our hints, then wonder why they continue to act as they do - launching you into a bundle of pent-up frustration and emerging negative emotion. Well, it may not be them who needs to change as much as it may need to be us!

I have learned there are times when I need to let go of the things which seem to grate on my nerves. We probably have seen the little cartoon where the guy looks all frazzled and he has one or two hairs stick up on end with the caption which reads: "I had one nerve left this morning, and you just got on it." It seems like that whenever we encounter these tough people in life but remember - they don't purposefully look for that one nerve - they just hit it. 

Sometimes we wait until someone gets to the point of driving us nuts and then we unload a good one on them. If you are like I am, you feel worse after you say whatever it is you say or unload your sorry state of frustration on them full force. I used to be this terrible "gunny-sack" kind of person - holding up all my frustrations toward a person until just that "right moment", and then unloading the full bundle on them all at once. You cannot regurgitate stuff and have it taste good in your mouth! It just isn't possible. That which got putrid in the "sack" will also be putrid when it is let out of the sack!

Remain "current" in your relationships. It is pretty devastating to a relationship to be going along as though nothing is the matter and then come to find out someone has been holding all this stuff inside them which never got dealt with at the time. This is the principle taught behind the scriptural exhortation to never let the sun go down on our anger. It festers and becomes putrid within us. When it eventually comes out, it has a different form than when the issue first happened. There are forces at work which take what we put in the 'sack' and warp it into something no longer akin to what it is we first were taking issue with.

Be kind in your response. You will learn kindness at the feet of Jesus. If we begin to examine our less than kind responses, in the light of the Word of God and the help of the Spirit of God within, we might come to the conclusion we have a little root of pride which manifests in the "better than thou" kind of curt responses we are returning to someone. If we find we are kind of nasty in our responses, we may just discover we have been burying a lot of stuff which has just built up into full-fledged bitterness. Regardless of what we discover, it is about "us", not the "other guy". This is the place the transition between anger and kindness takes place - with us first, then in expression to the "other guy". Just sayin!

We've got the map

Love is kind and patient, never jealous, boastful, proud, or rude. Love isn’t selfish or quick tempered. It doesn’t keep a record of wrongs that others do. Love rejoices in the truth, but not in evil. Love is always supportive, loyal, hopeful, and trusting. Love never fails! (I Corinthians 13:4-8)

How well are we revealing God's love to those we live with and serve on a daily basis?  After all, there is no specific 'day' to focus on these character traits - it is just expected every single day of our lives!  For most of us, this thing called "love" is like one of those "match games" you see online these days where you have to align the right sequence of candies or jewels.  There are little hidden bears or objects behind those colorful squares - waiting to be uncovered - reliant upon your skill and reasoning.  If the hidden is to be uncovered, you must be very, very "calculated" in your moves.  Sometimes I think we approach loving each other in this same way - we make "calculated moves" hoping we will reveal what we are looking for, but making many a move which doesn't prove to uncover what it is we were imagining was underneath.  Yep, love requires some "skill", but it isn't as "calculated" as some may think! To truly understand love, we have to turn to the one who exemplified love in the first place - Christ Jesus himself.  

Love isn't so much about the "calculated risks" we take, but about the person we allow to shine through us as we respond to the movement around us.  In life, we move one way, but we don't always control what comes back our way. This is where we need the ability to be loving like we see repeatedly in examining the life of Christ.  He was consistently kind and patient - even when ridiculed, spat upon, and nailed to the cross.  He was not jealous of those who had more than he did, lived in better houses than his, or even had a bigger "church" than his!  He didn't get all uppity when he knew the answers to the problems at hand.  He also didn't push his way through or over others to get noticed.  

I don't want us to think love is just something which we just "happen" to get right on occasion. - Yep - there are some calculated risks we take - when we go out on the line for something we believe in or someone we care about.  Yep - there are some hidden things in relationship that give us challenge after challenge to attempt to uncover.  Yep - there are times when we will get to the point of thinking we will never get past the place where we find ourselves today.  But...we can take a lesson from the one who has taken the risks, is able to uncover the hidden, and who knows the way out of the difficult places.  Christ comes alongside to show us the way to love each other. He has already walked through everything we are facing today. How is it Christ can help us with this thing called "love" - he has already lived it out for us and left us a road map to follow in his Word!  Just sayin!

I need you - today and always

Christ encourages you, and his love comforts you. God’s Spirit unites you, and you are concerned for others. Now...Live in harmony by showing love for each other. Be united in what you think, as if you were only one person. Don’t be jealous or proud, but be humble and consider others more important than yourselves. Care about them as much as you care about yourselves and think the same way that Christ Jesus thought... (Philippians 2:1-5 CEV)

I don't deal with ambiguity very well, because I think life should have clear direction. Ambiguity is the uncertainty of meaning or intention - the purpose is simply unclear. Where there is lack of clarity, I seek it out. This is my nature - I "uncover" what is not said, or what doesn't immediately reveal itself - the implied or intended meaning. Much of my difficulty with ambiguity comes in not knowing the intent of something. When we are dealing with ambiguity for a long period of time, we often need some encouragement and comfort to get through those times. No one encourages and comforts as Jesus does in quite the same way when the intent of something is not fully known!

Something happens when God's people come together in unity - there is a mutual encouragement which occurs. One bolsters the faith of another - helping each other face the ambiguous spots in life with just a little more energy. When God's kids rally around each other in the times of uncertain intent, the love of God begins to invade the spaces where uncertainty exists. In those moments, intent may not be fully understood, but the value of our community in which we are united shines through! This is why we need each other - because we cannot face ambiguity alone!

Count on Christ's encouragement - giving us a little stimulation where we most need it. It stimulates us deep within to hold on, press forward, take the first step. Without that encouragement what happens? We simply don't move forward when we should, and we often move without a plan or purpose whenever we do step forward. If understanding intent is so important to us, then taking steps without understanding is hard! What we need is someone to give us the thumbs up and tell us it is okay to take that first step. This is what Christ does for us - sometimes one-on-one in our meditation time with him - other times through the mouths of those he has brought us into companionship with. Either way, he sends the stimulation we need to not be paralyzed by the ambiguity life has put in our path.

Rely upon God's love - it carries us when we are lacking courage in the midst of the ambiguous spaces in life. I have a particularly close friend who does this quite often for me - oftentimes without even knowing she does it. In those times of uncertainty, sometimes all I need is a little bit of her humor, or a hug to let me know all will be well in the midst of the present struggle. God's love is understood in appreciating all the blessings he gives into our lives - but it is especially understood when his love is spoken through another deeply into the fibers of our being. In the expression of compassion, exuberance of enthusiastic agreement, or the solemnity of chastisement, we find the love of God expressed in the lives of those he has placed us in fellowship with.

Listen to his uniting Spirit - there is nothing worse than dealing with life's ambiguous moments or seasons all alone. God's uniting Spirit brings us together with those who can help us to walk through them and come out stronger on the other side! God sends his Spirit to unite us with others - establishing us in community so we don't wander into places of deeper uncertainty, or wither under the constant barrage of unknown intent. We all need intent, so God places us in the company of others who can help us discover the intent in ways we had no power to consider on our own. We need each other, my friends, to break through places of ambiguity in our lives. Just sayin!

Wisdom or Sensibility?

Are any of you wise or sensible? Then show it by living right and by being humble and wise in everything you do. But if your heart is full of bitter jealousy and selfishness, don’t brag or lie to cover up the truth. That kind of wisdom doesn’t come from above. It is earthly and selfish and comes from the devil himself. Whenever people are jealous or selfish, they cause trouble and do all sorts of cruel things. But the wisdom that comes from above leads us to be pure, friendly, gentle, sensible, kind, helpful, genuine, and sincere. When peacemakers plant seeds of peace, they will harvest justice. (James 3:14-18)

Perhaps one of the greatest struggles we will face in this life is to respond with wisdom and sensibility when others attack us. Get in a position of not seeing eye-to-eye with another in relationship and you will soon note that sensibility is something which flies out the window. Both parties somehow forget how to act toward the other - they are responding to the emotion of the moment. In turn, things get said, attitudes get displayed, and memories are planted which just don't belong within the relationship. This is how bitterness and resentment get started. Sensibility is just the capacity to experience senses - we need wisdom to keep those senses in check!

The things which are said don't actually reflect reality to us - but they do reflect reality to the other person. We know there must be something behind those words which come as an attack - but we aren't seeing the relationship moment the same way they are - so we need this wisdom from above to weed our way through the messiness of relationship. One response to being threatened, or feeling like you have not been understood in relationship is to become a clam. The individual pulls tightly into their shell and closes down. If you have ever tried to get a live clam open, you know you are struggling against their desire to stay "shut up". The same is true in relationship - when someone pulls in and shuts down, the damage done trying to get them to open up before they want to can actually be quite devastating!

Even clams will die in their "bitter juices" if they don't expel the "waste" of what they have taken in! In relationship, we take in a whole lot of stuff - wisdom dictates we take in the best and leave the rest. Yet, we don't always use wisdom, do we? In fact, we sometimes take in stuff, clamp down on it and allow ourselves to fester in the juices of the garbage we took in! In time, our whole life turns bitter because of what we have been marinating in and on! If we are "clam-like" in our response to attacks within relationship, we may live a long, long time, but we become pretty hardened by what we have marinated in all those years! Bitterness has no part in our lives, yet it takes root quicker than weeds! When words are spoken, our minds latch onto them, form memories around them, and file them away. We rehearse them when we cannot figure out why the other person said them, what was behind them, or when we just want a good pity party. In time, what is rehearsed forms a new reality for us - it clouds how we see the relationship. The root is set, and we are going to harvest a huge crop of resentment if we don't get a handle on it early on!

Every opportunity for the relationship to fail is there, but every opportunity for it to grow in Christ is at our access. It takes opening up to each other and God in order to get in freshness - it takes letting go of the gunk we have clamped down on for so long in order to bring in newness. All of us has the potential to be the clam. All of us have the potential to be the one who brings freshness into the relationship. It may not be the easiest thing to be a peacemaker, but if you find yourself being impressed to be one today, step out and see the potential in the newness you can bring into someone's life today. It may be the only "fresh water" they have taken in for a long, long time! Just sayin!

Stable Homes and Cities

If God doesn’t build the house, the builders only build shacks. If God doesn’t guard the city, the night watchman might as well nap. (Psalm 127:1-2)

Just a couple of thoughts today as we break down this passage a bit - God must be central in all we set out to accomplish and he must be central in all our relationships. We can 'build and build', all the while not really building of any long-term value. I was able to get some free pallets a while back and decided to break them down into usable pieces that I could build some raised gardens with. They lasted about four years before decay began to make them no longer useful. I had to replace all that hard work with block beds because of the decay. They looked good for a while, but as time went on, the wood didn't hold up to the elements. 

There are times when we 'build and build' in our relationships, thinking what we are 'building' is strong and stable, only to find they aren't as 'stable' as we had hoped. There are things we do to feel secure and 'whole' in our homes, but in the long run they don't really make us any more secure or 'whole' than we were before we put them there. That video doorbell won't stop someone from breaking in, but it could deter a porch pirate. That gun in the safe isn't going to stop a thief, but you may feel a bit more secure knowing it is there. Relationships must be built on solid ground if they are to mature and stand the test of time. Homes and cities are only as 'secure' and 'stable' as the relationships maintained within those walls!

So, how do we build relationships that will stand the tests that come their way? I think we can see plainly that if God isn't at the center of these relationships, all the building is really with 'inferior materials'. Just as the beds made from wood began to decay with the elements, the relationship without Christ at the center will also face 'decay' and 'pressure' from the elements of life that challenge its stability. We might think it has to be that we grow with God 'together', but all growth begins individually, and that somehow 'spills over' into the type of growth that binds us together. We might want to focus on the other person in the relationship, thinking they are to 'blame' for the instability in the home or city, but it could just be that 'stability' begins with us! Just sayin!

Go for it

God desires intimacy - love demands this kind of 'renewing relating'. In our day-to-day relationships, this kind of intimacy cannot grow without depth of commitment and the willingness to be truthfully "naked" before one another in a spiritual and emotional sense. We don't need to remove our clothes to "get naked" with each other - we just need to remove our masks. Intimacy implies a certain familiarity with each other. It comes out of frequent exposure to each other - to the real you and the real me. It is the revealing of who we are, how we act, and what we like/dislike. It involves how we move and what moves us. In essence, until we reach this kind of depth in relationship with one another, we cannot truly be in a place of accountability with one another - and heaven knows, we need this type of accountability if we are to plant and harvest well!

Don’t be misled—you cannot mock the justice of God. You will always harvest what you plant. Those who live only to satisfy their own sinful nature will harvest decay and death from that sinful nature. But those who live to please the Spirit will harvest everlasting life from the Spirit. So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up. Therefore, whenever we have the opportunity, we should do good to everyone—especially to those in the family of faith. (Galatians 6:7-10)

Intimacy also involves continual open communication. Truth be told, we just plain stink at being good communicators. For communication to reach a level where we are actually helped by what we share and what is shared with us, we need to be more than superficial in our sharing - we need a depth of revelation. Revealing who we really are, what we require or need, and how we plan to move or what it is we have planned. This type of communication can open doors for us to see our life through the eyes of another - and we all need to see life through eyes other than just our own! To this we have to add awareness, contact and frequency. We have to become aware of each other - not just on a casual level, but with the intent of knowing another at the deepest possible level. Awareness is more than just having knowledge of - it is being cognizant of what that knowledge can do when it is handled well. Contact involves close association with the other person - experiencing their "presence" even when words aren't spoken. It is in contact that we get to know both the spoken and unspoken needs of another.

Too many times we think of relationship as a matter of just spending "time" together. I'd like to challenge that one a little today - when there is continual association - even if it is just in your thoughts of another, you are developing a closeness of relationship. Yes, the presence of another is important, but so is the awareness of the need to keep them frequently in your thoughts and dear to your heart. Up to this point, you may have only suspected I was speaking about the relationships we have with each other. I challenge you to reread this and substitute God for each of these relationship characteristics. You and I need to be as intimate with him as we are with each other - to fail HIM on any of these points is to fail ourselves! One of the things I have come to appreciate in my relationship with Jesus is the ability to have an "informal privacy" with him. By this, I mean the ability to relate to him, not so much in the formality of him being GOD, but in the informality of him being my closest companion and my most frequent contact.

Not sure where you are today in your personal relationships with each other, but we all need to realize the importance of them. We can all do a better job of that! When I stop long enough to consider those that mean the most to me, I find myself smiling at the fondness of memories associated with those individuals. I also find myself lifting them in thoughts and silent prayers for their safety, continued growth, and God's best for their lives. When I think about my relationship with Jesus, my thoughts gravitate toward the tremendous selflessness of his unending love and grace. I can only hope to exemplify this type of love to those who I relate to in the natural sense. I don't know who you need to develop a better awareness of today, but if it is Jesus - go for it. If it is your spouse - go for it. If it is your cubicle mate - go for it. The guy next door - go for it. The checkout clerk - go for it. Until you do, you are missing out on what God intends for your deepest and most meaningful growth! Just sayin!

Inside the box?

Let's be frank here - we need to learn to walk together in unity. I think we all know how truly difficult it is to actually be and stay in unity. Deep, intimate relationships require a different commitment than mere acquaintances. Friendships help to sustain us and keep us on track. How we view each relationship tells us a little bit about what we may actually invest into and take away from those relationships. We may find some actually are an ordeal for us because they demand more than we want to really put into them, but does that make them unnecessary relationships? Some may seem like a big deal to us, but does that make them worthy of special attention while neglecting others? Other relationships seem like they are kind of ideal, almost making us want to be exclusionary within those relationships, but doesn't that isolate us from the other types of relationships which might actually help us chip away some of the rough edges in our character? I think we might just need all three!

You use steel to sharpen steel, and one friend sharpens another. (Proverbs 27:17 MSG)

While connection is important, reconnection is sometimes more important! I don't believe God wants us to isolate ourselves from those relationships which are kind of an ordeal for us - because they have something within them we need to learn. Relationships which we might classify as an "ordeal" are those which seem to always be extremely severe in their ability to "test" us in some fashion. We actually need this "testing" in order to develop some trait we might not have developed any other way. To neglect these "severe" relationships is to cut ourselves us from the very thing we need for our growth. How do we "reconnect" with someone whose relationship with us has become a big ordeal and with whom we may have chosen to just pull away rather than make the effort to stay connected?

It takes some real courage to even admit you have pulled away. When two people deal with the "hard" parts of relationship by saying it is too big of an ordeal to actually work on the things pulling them apart, there is an opportunity to allow those "hard parts" to actually smooth off some rough edges in our character. One of the things which drives a wedge between two people quicker than you might imagine is when either of us become defensive in the relationship. When stuff is too hard to deal with at the moment, it is very easy to get a little defensive about our behavior and choics. We might imagine another's focus on something in our lives as a little too intrusive and even a little "nit-picky". Regardless, defenses go up and we get nowhere when these walls just remain in place.

If we don't recognize the "walls" quickly, we will allow them to be reinforced by future actions and responses to behaviors within the relationship. Fear causes us to become defensive - we don't like being exposed, so we build up what we believe will "cover over" the area we feel the most exposed within. Walls might be manifest by being overtly sarcastic with another - allowing the sarcasm to take the focus off the area for just a little bit. Another method of wall-erecting is when we push others away with our anger. A wall drives people away - most will not choose to "scale the wall", but will be turned away by it! It is the rare friend who will actually make the effort to scale the wall and a real friend who will help you dismantle it once they get on the other side of that huge wall!

Dealing with others in relationship requires the ability to see things as the other person sees them. This is why I like the idea of using a friend as a "sounding board" of sorts. I bounce ideas off a friend because the friend actually might just not be seeing things quite the way I do at the moment. Some of us need someone outside of our "box" to help us see there are choices outside of the box we have been confined within. All we can see is the inside of the box, we will never know what the outside holds for us. A friend can help us see things from the outside of the box - giving us perspective we do not possess on our own. Some of the toughest relationships require us to see things outside of our box. If you stop to think about it, a box is really just another set of walls we have established. The walls of a box only serve to confine us - the ability to break free from the confines of seeing things only from your limited perspective is not just healthy, it is wise!

When you actually can see things another sees and the way they see them, you are breaking down walls which would have otherwise torn you apart. Part of seeing things the way another sees them is the ability to allow the things which have become "wedge drivers" within the relationship to be removed. Where there is no wedge, the distance between two objects is free to return to being joined again. Just sayin!

Focus your energies on...

Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting. (William Arthur Ward)

If you, God, kept records on wrongdoings, who would stand a chance? As it turns out, forgiveness is your habit, and that’s why you’re worshiped. (Psalm 130:3-4)

As it turns out...those are actually words of realization on the part of our psalmist. When we have that moment of recognition that only God can provide, what a moment it is! Just grab hold of what he is saying here - God could keep record of all our mistakes, making it impossible for any of us to actually 'clean up our acts' totally. He could make us pay restitution for each and every failure, but he doesn't. Instead, he paid the price - not out of 'obligation' or 'regret', but out of love. His 'habit' is to live and breathe love - where love is, grace abounds.

If God gives so freely of his love - forgiveness being an integral part of love - how is it we can hold grudges against each other? What is a grudge anyway? The formal definition is a 'feeling' of ill-will or resentment. Did you notice I put 'feeling' in quotes? A grudge is an emotional tie to the offense we have internalized. We form 'feelings' toward the person committing the action, not so much against the offensive act itself. Then we hold the person in some form of 'emotional prison' deep within us. 

Ward also reminds us: It is wise to direct your anger towards problems - not people; to focus your energies on answers - not excuses. The issue is oftentimes NOT the focus of our grudge - it is the person. If we took our eyes off the person and focused on the issue, we might just have less hatred and enmity in our society today. When I have a water leak in my sprinkler system, I am not happy. I could kick the valve, curse at it, and even talk badly about the leak ad nauseum. The leak would still be there and all those 'feelings' I have now attached to the leak would cause me to dread repairing it even more.

That is exactly how holding grudges works - the feelings we attach to the 'person' and the 'problem' actually never fix the 'leak' in the relationship. The leak is still there, and we dread fixing it even more than we would have if we had of worked it out right then and there. God is immediate in his forgiveness - confess your failure to him and grace is immediately extended (in fact, he provides the very measure of grace we need even before we ask for it). How could we possibly think it is okay for us to hold onto those negative feelings towards another? It could be we need to do a little work of letting go of those 'feelings' and focusing a bit more on what it will take to remedy the issues. Just sayin!

Caught up in the current?

Anyone who meets a testing challenge head-on and manages to stick it out is mighty fortunate. For such persons loyally in love with God, the reward is life and more life. (James 1:12)

Woodrow Wilson reminded us, "The man who is swimming against the stream knows the strength of it." It is often when we are caught smack dab in the middle of the current of life's drama that we first recognize the 'forcefulness' of where we are being 'directed'. We don't realize we are being 'sucked in' until we are squarely caught up in the mess life is handing out at that moment. Once we are caught in the current of the drama, it is much harder to get free of it than it is to prepare for the 'current' ahead of time. 

We all know life comes at us at speeds in excess of our perceived ability to 'keep up with them'. We feel overwhelmed at times - life is challenging on most good days - ramp up the challenges and it is easy to get caught up in the current and 'carried away' by the difficulty. Most boaters will acknowledge there is a need to understand both the depths of the waters you launch into AND the way the currents of that water flow, come together, and diverge again. Currents are like that - they aren't always going in one direction - they sort of 'come together' at some point, creating a type of 'whirling' action that can set us in a totally different direction.

A good boater will study the waterways before launching into them. The depths and hidden outcropping of rock, sandbar, and waterway hazards are studied. The currents are mapped out and the path to take is planned. There is a lesson for us in their intense preparation - life's currents are less likely to get us 'caught up' and 'spun around' if we prepare for them, too! We will meet challenges - we don't have to be caught up in the drama they produce. The drama is part of the challenge, but we don't have to succumb to it when we have prepared ourselves to recognize it for what it is - a distraction meant to get us into the center of the current.

Believe it or not, many families have these 'currents', but they seldom recognize just how easily these currents can 'spin them around', heading them down a path that is marked with multiple hazards and further challenges we aren't prepared to meet head on. Maybe the best we can do is ask God to teach us the 'currents' of our family dynamics. Many work teams are caught up in all manner of 'relationship issues' that manifest in not having common goals, seeking to one-up each other, and undermining the work being done. The currents are there, but we don't have to be caught up in them. 

I guess the hardest thing we can do is this prep work - so we are ready to face the challenges head on. The easiest thing we can do is to allow God to guide us through those 'navigable' spots, so we avoid those currents in the first place! Just sayin!

No more brute strength

My response is to get down on my knees before the Father, this magnificent Father who parcels out all heaven and earth. I ask him to strengthen you by his Spirit—not a brute strength but a glorious inner strength—that Christ will live in you as you open the door and invite him in. And I ask him that with both feet planted firmly on love, you’ll be able to take in with all followers of Jesus the extravagant dimensions of Christ’s love. Reach out and experience the breadth! Test its length! Plumb the depths! Rise to the heights! Live full lives, full in the fullness of God. (Ephesians 3:17-19)

I know I am guilty of trying to do things in my own 'brute strength' from time to time, but that 'brute strength' doesn't always help me get it done as well as I'd like. When God's inner strength is what is innervating my actions, the outcome is quite different. His strength comes by simply opening the door. How many times we keep that door so tightly shut, avoiding at all cost any 'interference' in what we are doing in our lives. This may not seem significant at first, but let me tell you that when it applies to 'interfering' within our relationships, keeping those doors tightly shut to God's 'inner strength' and relying upon our own 'brute strength' alone is kind of foolish. Why? God's power to overcome within our relationships is really not available to us until we invite him squarely into the middle of those relationships.

Invite Christ into your relationships and you will realize there are dimensions of growth that have never happened in your own brute strength. In fact, the relationship is probably superficial and limited. Why? Depth of love is only possible where Christ is allowed entrance and access into the relationship! Both feet planted firmly on love - this doesn't just happen - this is a result of both individuals knowing Christ, giving him first place, and then learning how to walk together in the grace and wisdom he brings within that relationship. Do you know what happens next? He shows us the extravagant dimensions of his love. Dimensions really speak to his 'bigness' - the largeness of his love to overlook things on occasion, lift each other up when it may not be the easiest to do, and give when we don't feel like there is anything left to give.

Within relationships there come times when we find them a little bit of a 'test' for our own strength. Maybe that is why God tells us to not rely upon that strength - because the testing will cause us to fail if we rely upon that 'brute' strength. Brute strength is really exercised without thought or former consideration. No wonder God doesn't want us to count on it! He wants us to give forethought to our actions - wise choices aren't accidental - they are intentional. Another thing to consider about 'brute strength' is that it is 'unreasoning' strength. There doesn't have to be a whole lot of 'backing' to the strength - it doesn't consider the consequences - it just acts. Within relationship this can be very damaging because actions without forethought can lead down a path of hurtfulness, harm, and devastation.

We live 'full relationships' when we live 'full lives' in Christ Jesus. Every good and solidly growing relationship puts Christ at the center and grows from there. He is the 'seed' of all good things that come from within that relationship. No seed - no growth. Brute strength - overpowering, awkward, unfulfilling actions. God's strength - wise choices, grace-filled actions, and purposeful intent. Do you see the difference? God's place within our relationships is in the middle - where two or three are gathered in his presence - there he is. Where he is - that isn't a place where reliance upon 'brute strength' is the norm - it is the place where the reliance upon 'godly strength' is a constant! Just sayin!

Get rid of the sack

A gentle response defuses anger, but a sharp tongue kindles a temper-fire. (Proverbs 15:1)

It is fire season here in Arizona - summer storms bringing lightning strikes that catch very dry timber on fire very easily. With the approaching monsoon season, the winds begin to pick up and the afternoon winds seem to carry those embers to new areas very easily, allowing the fire to spread sometimes with wild abandon. Add to this the complexity of rocky crags that make doing any kind of fire-line breaks almost impossible and you have the makings of very resistive fires. What the firefighters seem to dread more than anything is that weather report indicating the winds will pick up, or never die down for long periods of time. Why? They realize every wind gust means longer days and nights of fighting that fire!

Gentle breezes are one thing, but the gusts of our rainy season are another. Gentle breezes mean you might just get ahead of the fire's spread. The billowing gusts of up to 60 mph signal longer hours of 'fire-fighting', greater depths of exhaustion from the hard work, and longer periods of time alienated from the relationships that matter to them. Does this sound at all like what happens when we let our words carry us down the path to angry responses? I can see how one ember 'catches hold' and sparks a huge flaming fire, can't you? In time, it is 'fueled' by whatever has been left 'unsaid' in much the same way as the tiny ember of the fire is able to 'take hold' because of the dense undergrowth in the forest.

I have sat idly by blazing campfires, watching as those tiny embers are carry upward upon the heat of the flames, into the night sky. I know each one carried the potential to be a full-fledged fire. I really need to think about my words in much the same way. I need to think of them as tiny embers, carried upon the 'heat' of the flames of whatever 'moment' I find myself in. I have watched as they were carried upon the winds of some 'curt words' or 'not well-planned answers' and 'fanned' into a full-fledged 'anger storm'. I didn't intend for any of those 'sparks' to take hold and begin another firestorm, but they did. The realization of just how much 'fuel' might be 'laying around' in our lives for such fires to take hold is also quite eye-opening to me. Why is it we let things go untended until they pile up into one nice, nasty mess of 'kindling' for the next 'hot ember' that comes our way?

There are things we need to clean up and discard, aren't there? Anger only takes hold where there is kindling for the ember. An ember will 'burn out' if there is no kindling. I have been guilty of doing something one of my college professors referred to as 'gunny-sacking'. That means I just 'store away' those tiny things I say 'rolled off my back', but really the didn't. They just rolled into this 'sack' of woes and heartache until one day I find the sack is so full I need to empty the contents! God bless the one whose 'ember' finds the fuel in that sack! Have you been there? Letting things go (or saying you did), only to find you have just let them roll down your back into a huge sack of woes you carry along until that one moment when the ember was just right to lay hold of all that was in there?

If we don't want 'anger storms' in our lives, we need to discard the sack - not just keep it empty! I have heard people say they needed to empty their sack and then all would be well, but in reality we shouldn't even have the sack. It is impossible to keep the fuel out of our relationships unless we are doing a constant 'clean up' of the 'undergrowth' that actually fuels fires. In much the same way the forest rangers clean the forest floors and cut out the dead low-hanging limbs on the trees, we need to pay close attention to the condition of our 'relationship forests'. Embers will come from time to time, but the condition of our allowed 'undergrowth' determines if there will be a full-fledged fire that comes. Just sayin!

Strategically Placed Tools

Every time you cross my mind, I break out in exclamations of thanks to God. Each exclamation is a trigger to prayer. I find myself praying for you with a glad heart. I am so pleased that you have continued on in this with us, believing and proclaiming God’s Message, from the day you heard it right up to the present. There has never been the slightest doubt in my mind that the God who started this great work in you would keep at it and bring it to a flourishing finish on the very day Christ Jesus appears. 

(Philippians 1:3-6 MSG)

It is a truly comforting thing to know that God has placed leaders, mentors, and caring relationships in each of our lives that are frequently moved into "prayerful consideration" of our needs as we cross their minds. God can do much with a soul that is yielded to his purposes – especially when that yielded vessel is willing to reach out to the needs of others. The “trigger” toward "prayerful consideration" is born out of the newness of heart that God places within us at the time of our salvation. A trigger is something that initiates a process or response - it starts the ball rolling, so to speak. God places a desire for his people deep into our hearts as we begin to grow in his graces – this desire moves upon us to uphold those that he has surrounded us with - not so much because they aren't doing a good job of reaching out to God themselves, but because we all need the strength that comes in numbers.

The support of our fellow believers is more than just a pat on the back periodically. It is God purposefully placing individuals in our lives that will boldly take us before the throne of God - as the need becomes apparent and even when there is no evidence of need! Our daily walk is affected by the many prayers of those who stand as a 'supporting structure' in our lives – oftentimes unnoticed, perhaps even unknown to us. Did you ever to stop to think of that BFF as a 'supporting structure' in your life? Well, there is more shared in prayer for each other than we may first realize - oftentimes because that other individual wants only the best for us!

At the time we welcomes Jesus into our hearts, God began his work within us. God wants to complete the work that he began in each of us. This work is a two-fold work, with the first being fully accomplished by the work of the cross, and the second being a process of life-altering, character-transforming work that is walked out in our lives daily. No other thing is more important to God than our growth and maturity after we say 'yes' to his rule in our lives. His focus is one of producing the fruit of our new relationship with him – fruit that evidences his grace, love, and compassion. Yet there are times when fruit seems to evade us – change is not as quickly evident in our lives as we would desire. We are just not growing as we might have expected.

It is important to keep perspective as we daily walk in this newness of life. We are changed incrementally – changed by the blood of Christ, God’s grace, and his daily mercies in our lives. We want growth by leaps and bounds, but God prepares us for growth in fragments - incremental changes that sometimes take more time than we might want and lots more more than we thought we'd have to invest. The believers God surrounds us with in our 'extended' family, those we encounter in mentoring relationships, as well as those who speak into our lives at those critical moments are strategically placed in our lives to assist in the process of completing the work within us that God began. There should be no doubt in our minds that the very thing God begins, he also provides a means for the successful and undeniable completion of that work.

Whenever we are tempted to get down on ourselves because our progress is slow, or the "same old" sins or problems just seem to be coming around again and again - it is time to reach out to our "family" in Christ. Their support is often the deciding factor in the success of our ability to overcome those all too familiar sinful patterns. The family of God is like a tool in a well-equipped tool box. If we never pull the tool out to use it, it is nothing more to us than something we look fondly at and are proud to have in our box. If we lay hold of it and use it as it is fashioned to be used, the results can be astronomically wonderful. No tool is just decorative - they are meant to be used! Just sayin!

Not another relationship hurdle!

The relationship woes of today's society are too innumerable to even recount. Suffice it to say we have a lot of work to do when it comes to relationships! We cannot seem to commit.  There is tension caused by too many distractions and individualize pursuits.  The media encourages conflict and break-up.  The lack of true depth in relationship created by a "mobile" society and reduced time actually spent "relating" to one another the "good old fashioned way" is just another among many of the issues we face.  I don't pretend to be a relationship expert, because I have my own issues which get in the way of developing solid and founded relationships!  One thing I do know is that we can glean truth from the Word of God which will help us to develop foundation within relationship - truth which will give us "anchor" and hold us steady when things come into our relationships to distract or divide us.

You have heard that it was said to our people long ago, ‘You must not murder anyone. Any person who commits murder will be judged.’ But I tell you, don’t be angry with anyone. If you are angry with others, you will be judged. And if you insult someone, you will be judged by the high court. And if you call someone a fool, you will be in danger of the fire of hell. “So, what if you are offering your gift at the altar and remember that someone has something against you? Leave your gift there and go make peace with that person. Then come and offer your gift. “If anyone wants to take you to court, make friends with them quickly. Try to do that before you get to the court. If you don’t, they might hand you over to the judge. And the judge will hand you over to a guard, who will throw you into jail. I assure you that you will not leave there until you have paid everything you owe. (Matthew 5:21-26 ERV)

The "old standard" was not to murder.  Since not many of us rise up in the morning thinking, "Who can I whack today?", I don't think many of us actually realize the gravity of what Jesus was saying here.  The standard is still the same as it has always been - but we probably don't think about it much because it is just not one of those principles taught with any frequency.  In the Old Testament times, there were actually specific places of sanctuary prepared for those who accidentally took a life - called cities of refuge.  There were men set up to act as judges to help differentiate between an accidental death vs. a deliberate death.  So, although we don't have these cities anymore, we do have laws which indicate the violation of this standard will result in a certain penalty. The old penalty of a life for a life just doesn't hold fast in many places anymore. So we probably have bent the standard a little, but it still is there in society. 

The focus Jesus has in speaking with the crowds on the Mount that day was not so much to focus on "murder", but on the other types of relationship woes which need to be dealt with pretty doggone quickly - anger being one of them, with criticism and hurtful words among the list, not to mention this whole idea of owning someone a debt.  Critical words do a great deal to tear down trust and impact the emotional well-being of the other individual in relationship.  Say these words long enough and the other party within the relationship will become paralyzed by fear - fear they will never measure up to the standards by which they are being judged.  This is the basis of criticism - judgment.  We all know what it is like to be judged in a way we never intended for our actions to be judged.  We sometimes call this being misunderstood, or wrongly accused. When this happens, what does it do within relationship?  It kind of diminishes the value of one or more of the parties within the relationship.  It devalues the one being criticized, but it also devalues the one doing the criticism - because it is hard to trust and respect one who will find fault with your every movement.

The other relationship woe he deals with is that of anger - because anger drives wedges between individuals and separates even the closest of friends when it is allowed to fester and brew into a full-fledged issue of resentment and bitterness. When anger gets an inroad into our relationships, we are instructed to not let the sun go down on it - why?  That which is buried rots!  Hold onto something long enough and it will decay wherever it is held!  I like to turn the fruits and veggies the birds manage to get hold of into the soil as they will soon begin to decay beneath the rich soil of the garden bed.  When they do, they lend to the soil.  The decaying process occurs, giving back to the soil.  Now, in relationship, it doesn't work quite the same way.  Humans weren't meant to deal with "decaying stuff" in the same way the soil was.  We operate in the realm of "getting rid of stuff" which no longer serves any use to us.  Look at our bodies, for example.  When we take in oxygen, and exchange takes place of oxygen for carbon dioxide.  The body takes in the good stuff (oxygen) and gets rid of the bad stuff (carbon dioxide).  We take in water and foodstuff, getting the value from what is taken in and then there is waste which is produced which functions to remove what is not useful to the body any longer.

In much the same way, we need to get it through our minds and hearts that anger will happen - it is an emotion we were created with, after all.  If it does, we aren't to hold onto it and allow it to decay within us.  We are to deal with it. Get rid of it and don't allow it to have a place within the relationship - so our relationships can be strong and solidly anchored.  We are to "settle debts" quickly, not just the physical ones, but the emotional and spiritual ones, as well. This means we stay "current" in our relationships and we don't hold things others do which didn't measure up to our expectations over their heads as things which we latch onto every time something doesn't go our way. Relationships are complex, made all the more difficult to manage and muddle through because we each come with our own set of emotions and hang-ups. What we need to bear in mind is the attention we need to spend toward remaining vigilant in these relationships.  I think this may be what Jesus is reminding us of in this passage - not becoming so accustomed to the relationship woes that we don't immediately seek to remedy them when they raise their ugly heads!  Just sayin!

Insulated, not isolated

There is great wisdom in learning to be attentive to the seasons.  In the natural sense, seasons bring different opportunities for the one who watches for the outcome of the season.  In springtime, new growth sprouts forth, but how did the growth occur?  Wasn't it because the soil was prepared for the growth, the seeds were planted, finding growth possible because of the sun and gentle rains which nourish it into life?  In the summertime, the heats of the sun can almost devastate the tender shoots, so they spring up in the cooler season of springtime.  This way they already have root enough to survive the heat of summer.  Fall brings harvest and a planting of a different crop - one which requires a little frost to bring forth the rich tastes of this season.  Winter seems like it produces very little, but the "barrenness" of winter actually prepares the way for the growth of spring.  The shedding of leaves leads to ground cover, protecting seeds which fell in the previous season of autumn and the rains or snows tamp that seed down under those composting leaves.  In turn, the seed is readied for the gentle warming of spring - the season when the growth will become evident.  The cycle begins all over again - each season producing something the next will build upon. The same is true in our lives as it applies to our relationships.  They go through seasons - one building upon the next, preparing the way for every bit of growth we will and "fruit" of the season.

A person's thoughts are like water in a deep well, but someone with insight can draw them out. (Proverbs 20:5 GNT)

Seasons within relationships are often missed because one or more parties simply doesn't take the time to realize the purpose of the time they are in. What happens in each season is important and should not be glossed over.  It doesn't pay to be inattentive to the seasons in the natural sense - so it stands to reason as much as we might be inattentive in our relationships, we might just miss opportunities if we continue this inattentiveness.  Probably one of the most telling signs of us not being cognizant of the seasons of a relationship is when we turn our backs on the instruction within the season. The seasons of relationships are filled with all manner of lessons from which we can glean many opportunities for growth and maturity, but neglecting any of the seasons sets us up for a failed "crop" in the next.  No planting, or planting too late in spring means withered growth in summer, or worse yet, no growth at all.  

Often, we miss the opportunities within the season because of the barriers to growth we might not recognize in each of these seasons.  In the natural sense, springtime seems like a wonderfully vibrant and lush season, but it is riddled with all kinds of "growth-inhibitors", as well.  As quickly as the new growth might spring up during this season, there is also a corresponding growth all around us.  There is a multiplication of sorts all around which requires just as much feeding as the tiny seeds which spring forth.  Those tender shoots actually make nice fodder for those quick enough to steal them away!  Some of us see growth springing up within our relationships and then just count on it to continue - simply because it took root.  We don't see the tiny critters underneath with their insatiable appetites for the tender roots. The garden of relationship must be tended carefully, identifying early signs of growth "stealing" invaders.

Growth "stealing" invaders in relationship might be those things which demand our time and attention. While good on the surface, their constant demands of our focus actually take our eyes off the growth which was occurring in the relationship and diverted attention gives the chance for the growth "stealing" invaders to eat away at its tender roots.  Whatever can affect the roots soon gnaws away at the one source we have for continued growth.  No roots means no fruits.  The heat of summer in terms of relationships are those times when we may not see eye-to-eye and then this brings friction.  We can only exist so long in the "hot-bed" of emotional unrest in relationships.  Eventually, the "heat" of the unrest will wither us and wilted relationships may lack the ability to recover.  What may have barely made it through the heat of "summer" in relationships may just be done in by the seeming barrenness of autumn and winter.  So, what are we to do to make the most of the seasons in our relationships?

We need all seasons - so don't sell any season short.  At first, relationships are like springtime - there is all kinds of fresh growth.  Newness of relationship actually brings all these little shoots of potential growth - but each must be nurtured.  Some will find this too burdensome - others will delight in the tenderness of "caring for" each other.  The important thing is we recognize the opportunities for growth - the things which need our attention in order to flourish into solid parts of our relationships.  The warming effects of summer actually test the "solid" roots of our "intense growth cycle" we call springtime.  At first, we grow rapidly - then we are put to the test.  Not all growth will survive, but that which does will become stronger as things "heat up" in relationship.  Then comes autumn - the season when we get comfortable with each other.  Autumn is kind of a lazy season - we enjoyed the rapid growth, survived the testing of summer, and now we kick back and just think we can enjoy each other.  Here's the rub - we do need to kick back and enjoy each other, but we also need to "insulate" in order to be able to survive the next season of winter.

"Insulating" doesn't mean we pull away, but that we draw closer and actually wrap the tenderest parts of our relationship in preparation for the harshness of winter storms.  Just as the leaves might be raked and placed in piles around the base of the tree in order to protect its tender roots, so we might just need to "insulate" the tender roots of our relationship.  We draw closer to each other when we are protective of each other.  Winter's storms may attempt to put a little "chill" into our relationships, but a well-insulated root base will keep us solid and capable of even more new growth with the breaking of spring again!  Just sayin!

That harmless wad of gum

I think we all have times when we just cannot avoid the quarrel - we step into it like we might just find an old piece of chewing gum on the bottom of our shoe after walking through the parking lot.  We did not intend to step on the gum - it was so small and almost unnoticeable on the ground.  Sure enough, the sticky goo latches onto the bottom of our shoe - and we are left with the mess of cleaning it up.  That one tiny piece of gum can leave a huge spot of sticky residue, can't it?  If not caught quickly, we can track it into our cars, leaving the sticky mess attached to floorboard carpeting, foot pedals, and the like.  Quarrels are a little like the chewing gum in the parking lot - no one really thinks about the consequences of just throwing something down.  We cast things around like they will not affect others, but in truth, what we think will go unnoticed and not really be all that harmful has the potential of becoming a huge mess with a lot of residue left behind which takes a whole lot of time to deal with!

Anyone who thinks and speaks evil can expect to find nothing good—only disaster.  An intelligent person aims at wise action, but a fool starts off in many directions.  Those who are sure of themselves do not talk all the time.  People who stay calm have real insight.  After all, even fools may be thought wise and intelligent if they stay quiet and keep their mouths shut. (Proverbs 17:20, 24, 27-28 GNT)

Scripture is quite clear - if you love the quarrel, you are actually saying you invite or enjoy sin in your life.  It is like you love to just chew up gum, spit it out on the ground and then watch for the poor, unknowing suspect who will be the recipient of your careless deed.  One of the things which can incite a quarrel quickly is the boastful attitude.  Boastful people actually invite disaster - their prideful display creates the atmosphere where quarrels begin. God's warning is clear - the crooked heart will not prosper.  

Control the tongue, or you will not prosper.  In fact, God refers to the one who cannot control his tongue as one who has a "twisted" tongue.  The one who exhibits this "twisted" tongue is actually an expert at altering the words that are spoken - changing the meaning of those words by their manipulation. Quarrelers use this skill well - so as to use the words spoken to turn the situation around to their way of thinking, altering the other person's perception of the issue.  The end - disaster.

As we have explored on many occasions, emotions play such an important part in our lives.  It is by emotion we respond.  It is by emotion we experience through our senses and intellect.  It is by emotion we connect with each other.  So, it makes sense that it is also by emotion we are roped into engaging in quarrels, or avoiding the sticky goo all together!  The condition of our heart determines our course.  We often rely upon our emotions too much to determine our course.  This is why we study so much about how our emotions can get us headed in the wrong direction if we allow them their full rein.  

Sensible people keep wisdom before them.  It is like they have "intuitive sensors" built into their shoes which immediately sense the gum and then take a side-step to avoid the sticky mess.  Sensible people don't just rely upon some "sixth sense" or "intuition" though.  They have come to practice sensibility - through learning how to make wise choices, take careful steps, and enjoy the journey.  Attentiveness is probably one of the hardest things to maintain in life.  We tend to wander in our focus, go off into some thought about the next thing we will have to do, etc.  Being present in the moment is quite difficult sometimes, but in truth, it is the only way we will ever spot the quarrel just waiting to unleash its mess on us!

A truly wise person exhibits:
- A correct focus.  They aren't just "focused", but their focus is correct.  When we want to affect the outcome of the circumstance, we often just need to change the focus.  
- An ability to use their words sparingly.  Wisdom is not manifest in the vast number of words spoken, but in the sincerity, integrity, and uprightness of the words chosen.
- A control on their temper.  There is a "governor" over their temper.  They don't "blow", but allow the "steam" to escape before it does damage.  They don't direct the "steam" at another, but allow it to be taken upward, dissipating as it is.
- A willingness to honor and submit to authority.  Many a quarrel is a matter of rebellion against some authority in our lives.  If it isn't some "natural" authority such as parent, boss, or the law, it is usually some type of rebellion against the authority of God.
- A tactful method of dealing with disappointment. The wise don't focus on the person, they don't hold the grudge because the event didn't have the outcome they desired.  They have learned to release and re-engage.  Let it go and then focus on making it right.
- An attitude of acceptance when facing the test.  Testing is a matter of life. None escape it - but to accept it as the means by which we grow, this takes wisdom.
- A genuine concern for the other guy.  Maybe this is why the wise will avoid the quarrel instead of engaging in it.  They are skilled at diffusing the situation because they focus more on the value of the other person than on the object of the quarrel.

Some of the sticky messes we are left with could have been avoided if we'd have just been a little more focused, directed our disappointment toward the one who can actually do something with it, and then shown how much we value the other individual over all the silliness of the mess which has been trying to lure us in.  Just sayin!

How good are you at putting on your gas mask?

Does it ever amaze you how our brain works?  Probably one of the most stunning displays of our brains comes anytime we "work through" something we just haven't been grasping, right?  When we finally "get it", we just stand there all excited and celebrating our moment of success.  More important than the stuff we finally "get" is the times when we try to justify what we are saying or doing through some warped impression we might just be holding onto.  It is like the times when we outright act one way, all the while knowing we are being asked by God to act an entirely different way.  We somehow tell ourselves it is okay because God is gracious, or it is going to work out well for us in the end because God has everything in control.  Truth is - God does have everything in control, but the thing we are pursuing may be the furthest from what God intends for us!  What we need more than anything else in our lives is for God to do the intensive "straightening out" of our lives, because we just keep making a mess of things!

But if our wrongdoing only underlines and confirms God’s rightdoing, shouldn’t we be commended for helping out? Since our bad words don’t even make a dent in his good words, isn’t it wrong of God to back us to the wall and hold us to our word? These questions come up. The answer to such questions is no, a most emphatic No! How else would things ever get straightened out if God didn’t do the straightening?  (Romans 3:5-6 MSG)

Yesterday, we explored the "toxin" of bad character - "caustic" relationships which just keep getting worse instead of better.  Today, let's dig a little deeper into this subject.  When the caustic individual and frequency of contact with that person can be limited, we often find we can "take it" a little better than when we have frequent contact with the individual, right?  Be in a situation where you have to be face-to-face with this "caustic" individual all the time and you almost find the "essence" of what they produce to be just overwhelming to your emotional "senses", don't you?  You just want to get a breath of fresh air, but there is none to be found!  Most of us just cannot pick up and move to a new work environment at the drop of a hat, or we cannot just choose to ignore our family and choose another.  We must make the best of what we consider to be a "bad situation", right?  These individuals are totally "stuck" in their way of seeing life and we have to figure out how to deal with them right where we are at.

First and foremost, let me begin by getting agreement on this important truth: The only one who can control YOUR behavior is you.  The other guy cannot control YOU - they "influence" you a little, but the control thing is entirely yours.  Now, those are tough words, I know.  It is much easier to just say "he made me do it" than it is to take responsibility for your own actions.  It is much more difficult to see how YOU respond to the toxicity of a caustic relationship as YOUR problem, not the other guy's.  This little sticking point makes all the difference if we are to "deal" with the caustic relationships we encounter in this world.  We all have "limits", don't we?  We have that mystical point of no return where the other guy just pushes us a little too far, igniting some kind of response we all want to avoid, but which escapes quicker than hot lava from a volcano, right?  Our first thought is that the other guy just pushed us past our limits, isn't it?  We want to point the finger - because they acted a certain way, or said enough of a certain thing which triggered some response from us.  Nope, we focused on the action or words, and then we let them get under our skin.  Toxins are only effective when they make contact with the tissue they have designs on destroying!  

In my military career, we practiced what it was like to be "gassed" by caustic gasses.  Why?  So we would be ready to responds appropriately at the first hint of the caustic stuff!  We practiced holding our breath until we could don our gas mask, securing it over our heads and ensuring a tight seal.  Until we got this right, our eyes would water like crazy and our lungs were assaulted with all kinds of painful toxins.  We had to act quickly, or we'd be overcome. Now, the same is true in our relationships with others.  We have to act quickly and with practiced precision in order to not "react" to their caustic toxins.  It sometimes takes a whole lot of practice to get it right.  Until we see our ability to control how much of the toxin we actually ingest, allowing it to affect the inner parts of us, we won't be making much progress toward learning to manage those exposures!  Toxic relationships actually take a whole lot of practice to deal with successfully - so we minimize the damage to our inner man.  How did I learn about chemical warfare in the military?  It was because I had a good instructor.  My Drill Sergeant was concerned about us learning both the dangers of the toxic substances and the counter-measures to assure us minimal exposure to these substances.  His instructions was not enough, though.  I needed the proper equipment, as well.  Without a well fitting, properly performing gas mask, I would soon succumb to the toxicity around me.  We need both good instruction and the proper equipment to deal with toxic relationships.

Something I'd like to challenge you with is the idea of needing to extend forgiveness to another who has been caustic in the relationship.  The fact of the matter is, they probably don't even know they have been caustic.  The offense you have taken is really just that - something you have "taken on", but which the other person has no awareness of.  Most offenses are really because we sensed something (a slight of some kind) and the other person has no idea we experienced it the way we did!  Hold onto the offense long enough and you will begin to formulate your own set of toxins!  Forgiveness is something WE do - we let go, we choose not to hold onto the offense, and we choose not to let it damage our inner man.  If we were to realize not every offense needs to be a matter of "dialogue" between the "offender" and the "offended", but just something we choose to let go of, we'd be a lot better off.  Offenses from a truly caustic person are best forgiven quickly and then we move on.  To try to "talk about it" with the caustic person is fruitless.  The offense is something YOU sensed, not something they even care about.  Let it go and move on.  Don't carry the toxin - breathe it out and let it go.  

One other thing to keep in mind - when we have the right instruction, we know the right way to go, but when we have the right "gear" to deal with the toxins, we know the right way to respond!  Just sayin!

Know anyone who is a little "caustic"?

We all have those relationships where we would rather wring their necks sometimes instead of dealing with just one more of their temper tantrums, cries for our attention, or demanding moments.  People get on each other's nerves at times - making this whole business of relationship so much more work than we want it to be!  Face it - - - even you act like the one someone else wants to do a little neck wringing on at times!  In some social circles, especially those of the "politically correct", these types of relationships are called "difficult" or "high maintenance".  In my social circle, they are called "get over yourself" relationship moments!  Sometimes people have "toxic" moments - other times they LIVE toxic lives.  The first is okay - we can deal with it and move on.  The latter is not - it lingers, eats away at us, and drains us of all we have to give and more.  Toxins are poisons - they affect what they touch because of their potential to harm.  Bleach in a bottle is of little harm to us, but break the bottle and clothes may be ruined, lungs may bear the assault of caustic fumes, and we will have a huge mess on our hands. One thing is for certain - toxic people have a way of letting their toxins out of their "bottle". 

Do everything without complaining or arguing so that you will be blameless and pure, children of God without any fault. But you are living with evil people all around you, who have lost their sense of what is right. Among those people you shine like lights in a dark world, and you offer them the teaching that gives life.  (Philippians 2:14-16 ERV)

Bleach in a bottle has a purpose.  When poured into our laundry water, at the right dilution rate, it actually makes our clothes brighter and removes grungy dirt.  Bleach diluted in a ten part solution will provide adequate germicidal benefits when cleaning surfaces.  Yet, at its full strength, it has a corrosive, caustic, and poisonous impact.  "Caustic" people in our lives don't usually come at us with a ten part solution - they come at us full-strength!  Their overflow of whatever is making them this "toxic" is actually enough to burn, corrode, and even destroy healthy relationships.  So, learning how to both recognize the caustic effects of others (and sometimes even ourselves), along with learning to avoid their harm is paramount to keeping ourselves (and others) safe from their effects.

Most of what I have observed in the lives of "caustic" or "toxic" people is their tendency to be "caustic" when they have an area of weakness which is about to be exposed (or perhaps has already been exposed).  This is much like the bottle which contains the bleach - as long as it remains "in tact", there is no harm to those around it.  As long as the one who has a tendency to become "toxic" or "caustic" in a relationship doesn't feel threatened, they are fine. Threaten them in anyway and it is like dropping the bottle of bleach - they unload all kinds of harm on you.  Much of what we'd do well to recognize is the cause of the "toxin" affecting another.  Usually an individual who becomes "toxic" at some point is this way because of what they have "bottled up".  The bottling up is done because they have an area of weakness which they don't want exposed.  If they keep it "under wraps", then they feel secure and non-threatened.  If they begin to feel their "bottle's" integrity threatened, they are quick to release the toxins within.

You have probably heard it said:  Hurting people hurt people.  It's true.  You cannot bottle up the hurt forever - it will spill out at some point.  "Bottled hurt" has a way of becoming more damaging than the original "hurt" was in the first place.  It also has a way of affecting more people than you might imagine.  I used to love to go to the river or lake with my dad while he fished. I wasn't much of a fisherman, but loved to collect stuff I could take home - things like shiny, smooth rocks and driftwood.  If I was particularly lucky, I could perhaps find something "living" such as a tadpole, crawdad, or maybe even a little toad.  In their own habitat, they flourished.  After a day or two in my bucket or empty margarine container and they didn't do so well any longer. Why?  They were cut off from the fresh water supply they needed.  Sure, they had some supply of their "natural" habitat because I always added it to the container - but they needed it to be renewed in order for it to support their growth.  In time, whatever I had captured would die because it lacked the nourishment and the conditions which would sustain their life.  Dead tadpoles and crawdads don't smell too good - let me assure you of that!  It doesn't take long for the "toxins" of death to produce a pretty offensive odor.

The same is true in our own lives.  Take what needs constant renewal out of the place where renewal can occur and you produce death.  Relationships are meant to stay in the place of connection to that which renews.  Bottle up any relationship issues long enough and the toxic effect will overwhelm you. Relationships are best when they are in a flourishing, continually renewed place.  They get a little caustic when the supply of what brings this renewal is shut off by any cause.  When we see "caustic" people as shut off from that which brings them life, we begin to see their "toxin" a little differently.  We understand they are just producing what they know how to produce in their "decaying" condition.  What they need is an infusion of life - what you offer is the very thing they need.  We can become offended by their "caustic" overflow, or we can begin to wash over them with the freshness of our God's grace, love, and peace.  Just sayin!

I got your back!

Going it alone in life is a tough way to do business.  Let me tell you from first-hand experience, some tasks are too hard to be done alone!  If you have ever tried to install something overhead, while up on a tall step ladder only to find the object's weight, size, or general configuration makes it almost impossible for you to hold and put it into place with whatever fastens it in its position, you know exactly what I am talking about!  The "weight" of the task is not significant on the ground - but get up in the place where you are a little less stable in your "footing" and the work becomes almost impossible alone! 

It’s better to have a partner than go it alone.  Share the work, share the wealth.  And if one falls down, the other helps, but if there’s no one to help, tough!  Two in a bed warm each other.  Alone, you shiver all night. By yourself you’re unprotected.  With a friend you can face the worst. Can you round up a third?  A three-stranded rope isn’t easily snapped. (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 MSG)

We are given a few "options" to help us not go it alone in life.  The first is family - something we don't choose for ourselves!  Now, in this day and age of artificial insemination and test tube babies, we might think we are "choosing" our family, but truth be told, the one being born into the "family" has no choice about it!  It is our first place of "existence" - and often our first place of "resistance", as well!  Family is tough work.  To make a go of it, a whole lot of different personalities have to come together to "meld" into a co-existent gathering of intimate beings.  Family is the place we begin to learn the things in life we will need later on - values, love, etc.  Whenever there is just a group of people "co-existing", but not "co-investing" in each other, the things we learn may get a little messed up.  The values don't come out so well-formed, the love seems a little warped, and the ability to relate to others is "conditioned" by what an individual is exposed to most frequently.

By the time I was in first grade, my siblings had left the nest.  It was just me, my parents, and my grandmother - along with a dog, parakeet, and an occasional other pet in the mix here and there.  I learned pretty quickly my need for social connection with those outside of my family - other kids!  I needed others with similar interests.  We call this group of individuals friends. On hot summer days, we'd hang out by the pool, slip and slide on a water laden piece of plastic, or just climb trees together.  It may not seem significant when you consider the activity we'd engage in, but what was learned in those moments was invaluable.  We learned cooperation, creativity, compassion, and the camaraderie.  The tree house got built because we all contributed a little of this or that.  We shared in the design work.  When hammers inadvertently hit the thumb instead of the head of the nail, one would run home for a popsicle for the other to dull the pain.  Yep, there were lessons learned even in the tree tops.

As life progressed, a new group came into play - co-workers.  It was in these relationships were we learned the fine art of getting along with those we really did not choose to be "partnered" with!  The workplace is a blending of some of the most unlikely personalities - all with a purpose, but whose purpose may be entirely different from your own.  It is there we learned the importance of the values we were exposed to earlier in life and employed the learned skills of teamwork formed with our friends of younger years.  This group challenged us to develop strong commitments toward a common goal - something we began to learn in family and our social network of friends as we were growing up. 

If these were not enough, God added another entirely different group to the mix - one which was designed to give us accountability, teach us to dwell in unity, and to challenge us to grow.  This group is known as the church.  Here we cultivated our relationship with God, then with others.  We learned the tough lessons of laying down our own demanding wants for the needs of another.  We were exposed to the honest expressions of love and caring which exist where two or more are gathered in his name.  Without this group, we'd go off on all kinds of self-fulfilling adventures, but miss out on the one adventure which really cements it all together for us - the adventure of looking beyond ourselves into the heart of another!

So, going it alone is not God's plan.  From the beginning, he planned for family.  He made opportunities for friendships.  He created workplaces for our talents to take flight.  He opened doors for our spiritual growth and loving exchange of our worries with his peace.  Isn't it good to see how there has been someone who has had our back all along the way?  Family, friends, co-workers, and church companions - all working together to hold each other up, give each other needed supply, and challenge each other to excel beyond what eye sees.  Isn't it good to know God has our back in all this stuff we call life? Just sayin!