Patient words and Gentle talk

I have moments in time when I just manage to say the right thing, in the right way, at the right time.  Notice - I said I have moments when I do this - nothing is less consistent in my life than the words I speak!  I don't think I am in this boat alone, though - I have some pretty good "rowing companions" alongside! The right words at the right time are often words of healing, or wisdom into a matter which has been difficult to figure out.  They are like the first drops of rain on a parched desert floor.  So how come we don't speak them more often?  I think it may have to do with our "consciousness" of what we actually say and how we say it.  Most of us speak, then hear what it was we said, and sometimes find ourselves mortified by what we just said!  If we could just get the pattern reversed so we hear our words before we speak them, we might just find our words are a little closer to what we really desired to say when we say it.

The right word at the right time is like precious gold set in silver. Listening to good advice is worth much more than jewelry made of gold. A messenger you can trust is just as refreshing as cool water in summer. Broken promises are worse than rain clouds that don’t bring rain. Patience and gentle talk can convince a ruler and overcome any problem. (Proverbs 25:11-15 CEV)

How do we begin to hear before we speak?  Someone once said to me, "Think all you speak, but don't speak all you think."  Sage advice indeed.  It is in the "mind" that we hear first - then speak second.  So, hearing is not just an "ear" thing - it is a "mind" thing, as well.  Maybe this is why God wants to make such an impact on our mind, purifying our thoughts and allowing his Holy Spirit to dwell within to assist us in sorting them out!  He wants us to speak wisely and with grace - so our words matter and their timing is perfect.

If we are truly honest here, we often find the wise words of a close friend bringing not only clarity into muddled thoughts, but healing into wounded ones and courage into wavering ones.  It is like they know the right thing to say at the right time - and in short order, their words change the course of our thinking and influence our actions.  I don't think this is by accident - because God knows we sometimes get our thoughts all jumbled up and just need someone to help us sort things out.

Two forms of "words" make all the difference - patient words and gentle talk. Behind these types of words are a couple of actions - patience and gentleness or kindness.  Patient words do not stem from a muddled or cluttered mind.  In fact, if you have ever heard yourself being short with someone, it is probably because your mind was a little muddled or cluttered with other matters seemingly more pressing or urgent at the moment.  We respond in haste - and haste brings a vast wasteland to a relationship in just a matter of minutes!

Patience indicates a certain capacity to endure, but when it comes to our words, it is more likely important because our minds need to get settled down before we speak into the moment.  This is where the Holy Spirit comes in handy - he lets us know we are about to respond in haste and he prompts us to just take a deep breath, settle our thoughts, and allow the thoughts to be ordered before we speak them.  Sometimes I get criticized for being too slow to respond - like others expect me to speak up right away.  If they only knew what was going on in my head, they'd understand why I have this delay!

Gentleness comes into play because there are times when the mess of our minds, and that of another's mind actually create a little bit of a clash of sorts. We want to strike out when this occurs - simply because when two mixed up, out of control sets of thoughts collide, there is going to be messiness!  You cannot have gentleness in your speech if you don't first exercise the patience to settle your thoughts into order within your own mind.  You cannot control the thoughts of another, but you can allow the Holy Spirit and your own self-control to order your own!

Some of us have to deliver hard messages on occasion - gentleness is needed. Those who have to deliver messages which bring enlightenment need to have enduring patience simply because others may not always see things the first time they are explained!  Try as we might, we can think we are doing this communicating thing well, but if we lack the skills outlined here, we are only responding out of the jumbled mess of thought within our brains at any given moment.  When we learn to allow the Holy Spirit to settle us down, order our thoughts, and bring forward those best to be spoken, leaving those behind which are best to be left silent, we finally get this communication thing right! Just sayin!

Words which bring blessing and grace...

As a kid, mom occasionally retrieved the bar of soap, directing us to stick out our tongues while she proceeded to wash our mouths out with it.  It was usually the result of some form of backtalk or just totally "naughty" words we were not supposed to be saying.  Lest you think it is time to call the authorities on my mom, let me assure you a little Ivory soap in the mouth doesn't kill the child!  I made it all these years and never suffered anything but a little bitter taste to remind me the words I choose to use actually do matter.  Definitely, without a doubt, curse words were forbidden.  We just didn't say them.  Yet there were other types of words just as damaging - like disrespectful words said in anger against an authority in our lives.  I daresay there are times when our words are less than desirable - kind of like greasy dishwater in the kitchen sink.  You could get by with them, but they don't leave you feeling very clean - they leave a "film" of some sorts you just cannot get past!  

Stop all your dirty talk. Say the right thing at the right time and help others by what you say. (Ephesians 4:29 CEV)

Paul instructs the Ephesian church to "stop all their dirty talk".  I don't think these believers were going around cursing and using obscenities as freely as they were using "praise God" and "Hallelujah", but who knows.  Really, what he was saying can be better understood if we look at this verse in the Amplified Bible:   Let no foul or polluting language, nor evil word nor unwholesome or worthless talk [ever] come out of your mouth, but only such [speech] as is good and beneficial to the spiritual progress of others, as is fitting to the need and the occasion, that it may be a blessing and give grace (God’s favor) to those who hear it.  Our list of the kind of words we speak begins to be a little clearer, doesn't it?  Let's break it down a little:

- No foul or polluting language.  I think this may actually encompass those curse words and obscenities we can hear bantered around by most sailors.  It also encompasses those times when our speech is just grossly offensive.  In fact, these types of words might be what actually is pictured when we say something is fouled up within a circumstance.  The words actually create a "dam" effect and keep welled up the negative stuff within.  So, in time these words actually cause this decaying process which leads to further words becoming even more polluting in nature.  I can definitely see why he starts with these!

- No evil word, unwholesome or worthless talk.  If I were to say the meal was not "fit" to eat because it was spoiled or just a whole lot of bad choices, this is probably what is being referred to here.  These words are actually unhealthy for us - they get us going in the wrong direction.  They are "good for nothing" kind of words.  Now, how might this manifest in our daily conversation?  It could be we just speak a whole lot of words which actually "clog the arteries" of our relationships, or that we just spend time saying a whole lot of stuff with little to no value, wasting both our own time and that of those who have to listen to us!

- Speech which is good and beneficial to the spiritual progress of others.  Now we are at the kind of speech we should be endeavoring to embrace.  Good and beneficial - this is definitely not the case with the types of words referred to above.  Beneficial words have at their basis the idea of being "helpful" - there is some advantage to them being spoken or written.  So, this type of speech is actually helping another to grow in grace, and moving them toward a deeper relationship with Christ and others.  We might think of these words as encouragement, exhortation, and maybe even a little counsel.

- Words fitting to the need and the occasion.  These are words spoken "in season" and with the right perspective.  There are definitely times when it is better to remain silent than to bring up something, right?  The timing is wrong.  When we consider these types of words, we are really saying we will bring our speech into alignment with the leading of the Holy Spirit in our lives and allow our speech to be directed by him.  When we do this, we find our timing is spot on and our perspective is clearer in the matter.

- Words which are are a blessing and bring grace.  The final reminder is to allow our speech to be a comfort or encouragement to another.  It is the type of speech which considers the needs of another over their own and allows their words to be continuously be bathed in grace.  In this type of exchange, we find "favor" being brought into the relationship.  These types of words actually help to grow us together.

So, in considering our words today, let us keep in mind the overarching idea of saying the right thing at the right time in the right manner.  If we do this, we will avoid many a calamity within relationship we would have done well to avoid!  Just sayin!

Are your words "care-filled"?

Scripture has much to say about what is we say - our words matter more than we might just think.  The problem for so many of us is that we speak before we think!  Scripture points toward "helpful conversation", "careful words", and "truth talk".  Now, at first these three may not seem very significant, but when we put them all together, it could just impact how it is we speak to each other and what it is we put into words.

The good acquire a taste for helpful conversation; bullies push and shove their way through life.  Careful words make for a careful life; careless talk may ruin everything.  A good person hates false talk; a bad person wallows in gibberish.  (Proverbs 13:2-3, 5 MSG)

Looking at this carefully, we see "who" this passage applies to: "the good", those who "live a careful life", and "a good person".  Most of us want to be counted among the "good" and the "careful", don't we?  So, if this applies to us, then we had better sit up and take notice of what it has to say about what we say!

- Helpful conversation is an acquired taste.  This points to the fact that helpful conversation is not always the natural thing for us.  In fact, most of us would agree that our conversation can gravitate into the realms of frivolous, coarse, or even downright mean on occasion, all because it is a more "natural" response for us.  If you were to look up "acquired taste", you would find that it refers to something which is "unfamiliar" to us at first, but which becomes gradually more liked or accepted as time passes.  This suggest to us that our communication will actually change over time the more we focus on seeing positive change in the words we speak.

- Care-filled lives are marked by "care-full" words.  To be careful implies we are somewhat cautious - there is a caution in what we express, not because we are afraid or intimidated to express what needs to be said, but because we value the relationships in which these words are spoken.  When you are "care-full", you are concerned with the outcomes - so you place a watchman over your mouth (the best one I know of is the Holy Spirit).  You don't allow the words to just "bubble out", but rather you become a little introspective and "care-filled" in your choice of words.  You don't mince your words, but you don't always say everything you immediately think - for those may not be the most "care-filled" words you could imagine!

- There is a vast difference between helpful words and just plain gibberish.  If we think of gibberish as that which an infant speaks as they are learning to form their words, we might just understand this idea a little closer to the point.  The infant "thinks" they are communicating what their parent or other child will understand - all because they don't know any better.  Yet the parent or other child in play with them has absolutely no clue what they are babbling on about.  They may think it is "cute" at first, but in time if this is all the child ever says, the parent will begin to worry about the "arrested development" of their child.  Why?  As we grow up we are supposed to learn how to actually speak intelligibly.  I don't think this is too far from the truth about what God expects for us as his children either.  He expects us to move from words of "gibberish" to words which are actually helpful in communicating need, helpfulness, etc.  I will be the first to admit that moving from words which don't really make a whole lot of sense into a place where the words we speak "connect the dots" and actually express meaning into one's life is a learned art.

- Truth matters when we are speaking with each other, but the "tone" or "tenor" of our words matter just as much.  The "tenor" of our words is what many refer to as getting someone's drift in conversation.  Maybe everything doesn't need to be spelled out in as much detail as we may want to bring forth at first.  Others who are connected to us in relationship have a way of catching the drift of our conversation much easier when our words are consistently spoken with honesty and integrity.  This is the danger with coarseness of speech as is the case when sarcasm is the tendency within our discussions.  A little sarcasm is always going to be there, but when we use sarcasm without caution, we sometimes change the tenor of our speech without even realizing what we are doing within the relationship.

Careful people speak "care-filled" words - words which connect them in relationship, build up each other, and envelop others in the grace of God.  Just sayin!

Give me another crust....

How appreciative of the small things are we really?  Earlier this week I asked the question about looking a gift horse in the mouth.  I wonder just how many of us look at a simple crust of bread and think we got short-changed on the deal.  It isn't the crust of bread which determines the "value" of the meal, but the attitude in which the crust is received and partaken.  In fact, there are times I would prefer a crust taken in peace than the whole loaf when the rest of the loaf actually comes with strife, unrest, or unease!  

A meal of bread and water in contented peace is better than a banquet spiced with quarrels.  (Proverbs 17:1 MSG)

The dry crust may not be a splendid as the gooey center of the loaf, but it has the potential of providing us everything we need with a whole lot less effort or cost!  I think there are times we yearn for more, but don't remember at what cost the "more" comes.  Nelson Mandela once said, "If you want to make peace with your enemy, you have to work with your enemy.  Then he becomes your partner."  Peace takes work.  Live long enough in strife and you forget the bliss of peace - it becomes something you only yearn for, but forget how to achieve.  

Benjamin Franklin said, "He that would live in peace and at ease must not speak all he knows and all he sees."  There is deep wisdom in these words. Speaking all we know is sometimes dangerous, isn't it?  You can be the smartest person in the room, but you don't always have to speak what it is you know!  Sometimes it is wisest just to enjoy your crust of bread and enjoy the peace it provides.  A little later in this same proverb, Solomon shares these words:  Evil people relish malicious conversation; the ears of liars itch for dirty gossip.  (vs. 4 MSG)  Maybe this is what Franklin was intending in his words - not everything thought needs to be spoken, not everything known is up for display.  It might just do us well to hold back on occasion, as the "fuel" we offer in our words may actually cause a fool to burn out of control!

What we listen to affects our hearts.  Affected hearts have affected actions. Liars pay attention to destructive words - they zero in on them like ants on honey.  Wrong doers listen to wicked and malicious talk - formulating a plan for their next attack long before their prey even knows they are poised.  Since we are affected by what it is we hear, it makes sense we are also affected (and affect others) by what it is we say.  Our speech is an evidence of our heart's content.  What's your speech revealing about your heart?  

I have a friend who I have taken notice of many times.  The words which are spoken by her are genuine - conveying compassion and real interest in the other person.  I know when she asks something, it is not for small talk.  I know when she expresses an opinion, it is not to start an argument, but rather to share her feelings at the moment.  I also have learned something else about her words (or the lack of them) - they are chosen wisely, not in haste, and are sometimes withheld when she feels they will not bring good into the situation at hand.  

Too many times we focus on the faults of another.  Would it come as a surprise to you to know that God actually asks us to overlook small faults - to disregard them?  Overlook an offense and bond a friendship; fasten on to a slight and—good-bye, friend!  (vs. 9 MSG)  When we stop focusing on the faults of another, we begin to see the possibilities of God in those areas of their lives.  Bring God into the picture and you will begin to see the individual through different eyes.  When a fault is revealed to me, God doesn't want me to make it a matter of gossip, or fodder for conversation "about" the person. He wants me to make it a matter of prayer - conversation with him FOR the other person.

When we become people of understanding, willing to hold our "peace" instead of speaking all we know or think, we might just be surprised at the results we will see when we take those thoughts to God instead.  I have said it before, but it bears repeating until we get this:  The tongue falls into trouble quicker than any other fault we could have.  Get it going and it is hard to stop its downward cycle.  Learn to hold it, and you cannot imagine the potential the "lack of fuel" can yield!  Just sayin!

Loose Lips Sink Ships

²⁰ Don't bad-mouth your leaders, not even under your breath, 
   And don't abuse your betters, even in the privacy of your home. 
   Loose talk has a way of getting picked up and spread around. 
   Little birds drop the crumbs of your gossip far and wide.

(Ecclesiastes 10:20 The Message)

During World War II posters hung in theaters, grocers, and around town where everyone could see them, announcing the message that "Loose lips sink ships".  The idea was that you might never know who your true enemy is - even a slight "dropping" of a little information here or there could mean tragedy in the battle being fought.  The exact meaning was that "unguarded" talk could cost lives!  

Mom taught me that "if you cannot say something good about someone, don't say anything at all."  Ummm...truth is, if I had heeded that message, I'd have said a WHOLE lot less in life!  The fact is, it is easy to get caught up in the "talk" of the office, the church socials, or simply in a group of friends.  The "words" just seem to "fly" sometimes, don't they?  Have you ever been at the end of one of those "sessions" where those words just flew from your mouth and looked back?  In the moment, you did not realize the impact of your words - in the end, you sometimes are filled with regret.

It may be that you realize that the words were spoken to someone you are not sure will keep them in confidence - allowing something you said to "drift back" to the one you said them about.  Or perhaps you said something that was well-intentioned, but that message will be misconstrued when it is repeated to the next person.  Regardless, the outcome is pretty much the same - loose lips sink ships!  We need to be aware of our words - "UNGUARDED" words are dangerous.

Gossip is not a new thing - it is has been a problem from the beginning of time.  There are times when we just need to have a confidant to speak to - someone who will listen, give wise counsel, and allow the concerns you have to "get worked out" in the privacy of that exchange.  This is different from what I think our writer had in mind when he said that "little birds drop the crumbs of your gossip far and wide."  

Gossip is mostly idle talk or rumor.  Within the gossip is speculation and insinuation - we "think" that someone is acting a certain way because of a certain reason; we "imagine" that the actions of a person are not right; we interject little "barbs" that will stimulate the conversation to go a certain way. It is a dangerous thing because it is based on supposition, not fact.

Loose talk has a way of getting "picked up" and "spread around".  If you don't believe that then think about the last time you shared something of some real importance - a revelation of truth that really could change a circumstance for the better.  How fast did that get around?  Probably not all that fast!  But...share one indiscretion about yourself or another and watch it mushroom!

So, the next time you think you can "let it all hang out" in that crowd of "friends" - think about what you are saying before you say it!  A wise teacher once told me, "Think all you say, but don't say all you think!"  Perhaps my teacher had learned that lesson over the years of his life, as well.  I know I am more guarded in my "loose words" today than I was even a month ago.  I may think a lot, but I am not saying everything I think!  Just some "words" to ponder!

Defense Let Down

 ¹⁵ Patient persistence pierces through indifference;
   gentle speech breaks down rigid defenses.

(Proverbs 25:15)

Indifference is really a condition of the heart and mind in which a person has determined that they have little interest or concern.  Another term we use that is quite similar to indifference is the term "mediocrity".  There are some telltale signs that someone is pretty much indifferent, or that they have "settled" for a position of mediocrity in their lives.  An indifferent individual might look like this:

- Apathetic to the needs of their life or those of another

- Calm, cool indifference in the face of what would cause uneasiness or apprehension in others

- A seeming absence of emotional connection with others or circumstances around them

When you hear indifference described that way, you might think of an individual who struggles with frequent periods of depression, but they are not the only ones that experience this kind of apathy or distanced-connection with the world around them.  In fact, any of us can be indifferent in much the same way simply as a matter of our choosing.

Rigidity is something a little different.  This condition suggests an unwillingness to bend, no concern for yielding the stand one has taken.  We might label this person as "hard" or "callous".  It comes from a Latin word from which we get another term - rigor.  When we think of rigor, we might also think of rigor-mortis - the stiffness of death!

Solomon was giving us instruction that we can both use in our own lives and in our interactions with others.  Neither condition of heart, mind, or soul is desirable.  An apathetic mind leads to very little positive action.  A rigid heart, hardened by life's hurts will do little to reach out to another for help.  An unyielding soul is in danger of hell.

Two things are presented by Solomon as the antidote to indifference and rigidity.  The patient persistence of a loving God is what breaks through our indifference - he challenges us to take up this same patient persistence in dealing with the indifference of others.  The gentle words of a merciful God breaks through the areas of hardness in our lives - he challenges us to exercise the same gracefulness in our conversation with each other.

It seems like we have the greatest difficulty allowing God to "get into our business" where we have the greatest amount of indifference or where we have erected the walls of rigid unyieldness toward him.  We need to remember that he "counters" our apathy and hardness in much the same way he asks us to "counter" those same traits in others.  A wise friend used to tell me, "We are quick to see in others the things we don't want to see in ourselves."  She was so true in her assessment of my actions and attitude!  What I was unwilling to allow God to deal with in me became the thing I "criticized" most in others.

We would do well to ask God to target areas of apathy and hardness in our lives.  In turn, we need to ask him for the patience to persist and the gentleness of speech that will allow us to be instruments of grace in the lives of those we have been the hardest on.  When we really begin to ask why we are being so hard on them, we might be surprised to know that it is because the area we find fault with is really so close to what God wants to deal with in us!

Listen - then speak

¹³ Answering before listening
   is both stupid and rude.

(Proverbs 18:13)

When I was in Bible College, one of the classes we took was designed to give us the skills to "listen" - really, seriously, listen.  I thought it was a long semester learning the skills of biblical counseling - beginning with the skills of listening and ending with the skills of listening.  What was that all about?  Well, it is really evident in our passage today - answering before listening is both stupid and rude.  People were going to want to confide in us, hard things would be shared, and answers would be sought - but...we needed to hear them out before offering the advice!

In fact, a failure to listen long enough or allow the time to build the trust that would be required to really share the issues could result in a wrong perception of the issues and a faulty answer to the problem.  That would benefit no one.  The entire eighteenth chapter of Proverbs is about words - how a fool speaks in ramblings and without thought; how a few words of gossip are nothing more than cheap words that really turn your stomach in the end; or how fights are started by the words that are chosen.  And this is only one chapter of the Bible!  

God has much to say about how we speak, what we listen to, and when it is that we are to speak.  He commends us for bringing forth truth instead of lies.  He exhorts us to listen before we speak.  He encourages us to consider the audience and the timing of the message before we bring it.  It must be an important thing for us to learn if God speaks to us so much about our speech and about our listening ears/hearts!

Words are weapons or wealth - they have the power to heal and the power to restore.  Our passage today encourages us to learn the skill of being good listeners.  That may mean that we have to learn to NOT speak!  I was often taught that all I think may be true, but not all I think needs to be spoken.  I need to give others time to come a place of clarity in their thinking - eventually they will come to a place of sharing that may include the things I knew before they even said it.  If that is so, they needed that time in order to be ready for the answer God wants them to receive.  This is called wisdom - learning to speak when the time is appropriate.

I have learned that words do more than describe a situation - they expose a heart.  I want to give the other person enough time to connect with their heart.  When I take the time to truly listen, I give them the time they need to make that connection themselves.  You'd be surprised what you learn about the heart of another when you give them time and opportunity to share it without jumping in to offer advice at the first opportunity.

Our challenge is NOT in having the right advice to offer - it is allowing enough time to pass for the other person to actually WANT our advice!  So, tune up those listening ears and shut off that constant flow of "free speech".  It is time to listen!

Speak out, in love

¹⁴ Well-spoken words bring satisfaction;
   well-done work has its own reward. 

(Proverbs 12:14)

There is great frustration in communication that does not accomplish its purpose.  It is like talking to the air, receiving no acknowledgement of what is said, no indication that anyone listened at all.  Our writer reminds us that well-spoken words bring satisfaction - the words spoken in the right season, with the right intention, in the right spirit - these are the words that accomplish their purpose. Yet, there is not always a clear indication that these words, though spoken well, have accomplished anything - because the revelation of what has been accomplished in the speaking of those words may be delayed until a different season.

I have been guilty of speaking all that I think - without thinking through all that I speak!  It is a tendency for us to do this in the heat of emotion - whenever we are carried away by the moment.  Sometimes, it is a word of sarcasm - not really intended to hurt - but cutting, nonetheless.  At others, it is my "full mind" on the matter - not always "rationed" in objective portions.  Either way, my words can accomplish more "dissatisfaction" than "satisfaction".  I imagine you may have struggled with this at times, too.

What are well-spoken words?  First, they are spoken "in season".  There is a time to speak what we know will bring light into a situation, and there is a time to remain silent on a matter.  The writer of Proverbs tells us that words spoken "out of season" fall on deaf ears - actually not penetrating through to the heart or soul of the receiver.  Just as with planting seeds that will yield crops, the seeds must be planted in the appropriate season.  If you plant crops that need long, warm days to germinate and take root, planting them in winter will stunt their growth, or keep them from growing at all.

Second, well-spoken words are spoken from a prepared heart to a prepared heart.  Consider the farmer planting seeds in his field.  If he hurls those seeds haphazardly on soil, just somehow "believing" they will grow wherever they fall, he is a fool.  We all know that he spends hours and hours preparing that soil long before the seed falls to the earth to begin its work of taking root.  If we want our words to fall on prepared soil, we first begin with preparing the soil of our own hearts.  Words spoken from a heart that has been touched by God's Spirit will be kind, appropriate, and in season.  The receiver's heart must also be prepared to receive - we can ask for help with this by asking God to open the heart of the one we are speaking to.  Just remember - this may take time - we must remain sensitive to the timing of the Lord.

Last, but not least, well-spoken words are delivered in love.  Seeds haphazardly sown take very little effort on the part of the farmer.  We can be too quick to share our minds, too limited in what we share, or too timid in our sharing that the words we speak are sown haphazardly.  Love is a governing force in our lives - we need to think before we speak, and learn to not always speak all we think.  Tougher than we think!  It is quite easy to speak - it is quite another thing to take what we think to God first, asking him to "temper" what we speak with his love and then to speak ONLY what he has covered with his love.