How good are you at putting on your gas mask?

Does it ever amaze you how our brain works?  Probably one of the most stunning displays of our brains comes anytime we "work through" something we just haven't been grasping, right?  When we finally "get it", we just stand there all excited and celebrating our moment of success.  More important than the stuff we finally "get" is the times when we try to justify what we are saying or doing through some warped impression we might just be holding onto.  It is like the times when we outright act one way, all the while knowing we are being asked by God to act an entirely different way.  We somehow tell ourselves it is okay because God is gracious, or it is going to work out well for us in the end because God has everything in control.  Truth is - God does have everything in control, but the thing we are pursuing may be the furthest from what God intends for us!  What we need more than anything else in our lives is for God to do the intensive "straightening out" of our lives, because we just keep making a mess of things!

But if our wrongdoing only underlines and confirms God’s rightdoing, shouldn’t we be commended for helping out? Since our bad words don’t even make a dent in his good words, isn’t it wrong of God to back us to the wall and hold us to our word? These questions come up. The answer to such questions is no, a most emphatic No! How else would things ever get straightened out if God didn’t do the straightening?  (Romans 3:5-6 MSG)

Yesterday, we explored the "toxin" of bad character - "caustic" relationships which just keep getting worse instead of better.  Today, let's dig a little deeper into this subject.  When the caustic individual and frequency of contact with that person can be limited, we often find we can "take it" a little better than when we have frequent contact with the individual, right?  Be in a situation where you have to be face-to-face with this "caustic" individual all the time and you almost find the "essence" of what they produce to be just overwhelming to your emotional "senses", don't you?  You just want to get a breath of fresh air, but there is none to be found!  Most of us just cannot pick up and move to a new work environment at the drop of a hat, or we cannot just choose to ignore our family and choose another.  We must make the best of what we consider to be a "bad situation", right?  These individuals are totally "stuck" in their way of seeing life and we have to figure out how to deal with them right where we are at.

First and foremost, let me begin by getting agreement on this important truth: The only one who can control YOUR behavior is you.  The other guy cannot control YOU - they "influence" you a little, but the control thing is entirely yours.  Now, those are tough words, I know.  It is much easier to just say "he made me do it" than it is to take responsibility for your own actions.  It is much more difficult to see how YOU respond to the toxicity of a caustic relationship as YOUR problem, not the other guy's.  This little sticking point makes all the difference if we are to "deal" with the caustic relationships we encounter in this world.  We all have "limits", don't we?  We have that mystical point of no return where the other guy just pushes us a little too far, igniting some kind of response we all want to avoid, but which escapes quicker than hot lava from a volcano, right?  Our first thought is that the other guy just pushed us past our limits, isn't it?  We want to point the finger - because they acted a certain way, or said enough of a certain thing which triggered some response from us.  Nope, we focused on the action or words, and then we let them get under our skin.  Toxins are only effective when they make contact with the tissue they have designs on destroying!  

In my military career, we practiced what it was like to be "gassed" by caustic gasses.  Why?  So we would be ready to responds appropriately at the first hint of the caustic stuff!  We practiced holding our breath until we could don our gas mask, securing it over our heads and ensuring a tight seal.  Until we got this right, our eyes would water like crazy and our lungs were assaulted with all kinds of painful toxins.  We had to act quickly, or we'd be overcome. Now, the same is true in our relationships with others.  We have to act quickly and with practiced precision in order to not "react" to their caustic toxins.  It sometimes takes a whole lot of practice to get it right.  Until we see our ability to control how much of the toxin we actually ingest, allowing it to affect the inner parts of us, we won't be making much progress toward learning to manage those exposures!  Toxic relationships actually take a whole lot of practice to deal with successfully - so we minimize the damage to our inner man.  How did I learn about chemical warfare in the military?  It was because I had a good instructor.  My Drill Sergeant was concerned about us learning both the dangers of the toxic substances and the counter-measures to assure us minimal exposure to these substances.  His instructions was not enough, though.  I needed the proper equipment, as well.  Without a well fitting, properly performing gas mask, I would soon succumb to the toxicity around me.  We need both good instruction and the proper equipment to deal with toxic relationships.

Something I'd like to challenge you with is the idea of needing to extend forgiveness to another who has been caustic in the relationship.  The fact of the matter is, they probably don't even know they have been caustic.  The offense you have taken is really just that - something you have "taken on", but which the other person has no awareness of.  Most offenses are really because we sensed something (a slight of some kind) and the other person has no idea we experienced it the way we did!  Hold onto the offense long enough and you will begin to formulate your own set of toxins!  Forgiveness is something WE do - we let go, we choose not to hold onto the offense, and we choose not to let it damage our inner man.  If we were to realize not every offense needs to be a matter of "dialogue" between the "offender" and the "offended", but just something we choose to let go of, we'd be a lot better off.  Offenses from a truly caustic person are best forgiven quickly and then we move on.  To try to "talk about it" with the caustic person is fruitless.  The offense is something YOU sensed, not something they even care about.  Let it go and move on.  Don't carry the toxin - breathe it out and let it go.  

One other thing to keep in mind - when we have the right instruction, we know the right way to go, but when we have the right "gear" to deal with the toxins, we know the right way to respond!  Just sayin!

Know anyone who is a little "caustic"?

We all have those relationships where we would rather wring their necks sometimes instead of dealing with just one more of their temper tantrums, cries for our attention, or demanding moments.  People get on each other's nerves at times - making this whole business of relationship so much more work than we want it to be!  Face it - - - even you act like the one someone else wants to do a little neck wringing on at times!  In some social circles, especially those of the "politically correct", these types of relationships are called "difficult" or "high maintenance".  In my social circle, they are called "get over yourself" relationship moments!  Sometimes people have "toxic" moments - other times they LIVE toxic lives.  The first is okay - we can deal with it and move on.  The latter is not - it lingers, eats away at us, and drains us of all we have to give and more.  Toxins are poisons - they affect what they touch because of their potential to harm.  Bleach in a bottle is of little harm to us, but break the bottle and clothes may be ruined, lungs may bear the assault of caustic fumes, and we will have a huge mess on our hands. One thing is for certain - toxic people have a way of letting their toxins out of their "bottle". 

Do everything without complaining or arguing so that you will be blameless and pure, children of God without any fault. But you are living with evil people all around you, who have lost their sense of what is right. Among those people you shine like lights in a dark world, and you offer them the teaching that gives life.  (Philippians 2:14-16 ERV)

Bleach in a bottle has a purpose.  When poured into our laundry water, at the right dilution rate, it actually makes our clothes brighter and removes grungy dirt.  Bleach diluted in a ten part solution will provide adequate germicidal benefits when cleaning surfaces.  Yet, at its full strength, it has a corrosive, caustic, and poisonous impact.  "Caustic" people in our lives don't usually come at us with a ten part solution - they come at us full-strength!  Their overflow of whatever is making them this "toxic" is actually enough to burn, corrode, and even destroy healthy relationships.  So, learning how to both recognize the caustic effects of others (and sometimes even ourselves), along with learning to avoid their harm is paramount to keeping ourselves (and others) safe from their effects.

Most of what I have observed in the lives of "caustic" or "toxic" people is their tendency to be "caustic" when they have an area of weakness which is about to be exposed (or perhaps has already been exposed).  This is much like the bottle which contains the bleach - as long as it remains "in tact", there is no harm to those around it.  As long as the one who has a tendency to become "toxic" or "caustic" in a relationship doesn't feel threatened, they are fine. Threaten them in anyway and it is like dropping the bottle of bleach - they unload all kinds of harm on you.  Much of what we'd do well to recognize is the cause of the "toxin" affecting another.  Usually an individual who becomes "toxic" at some point is this way because of what they have "bottled up".  The bottling up is done because they have an area of weakness which they don't want exposed.  If they keep it "under wraps", then they feel secure and non-threatened.  If they begin to feel their "bottle's" integrity threatened, they are quick to release the toxins within.

You have probably heard it said:  Hurting people hurt people.  It's true.  You cannot bottle up the hurt forever - it will spill out at some point.  "Bottled hurt" has a way of becoming more damaging than the original "hurt" was in the first place.  It also has a way of affecting more people than you might imagine.  I used to love to go to the river or lake with my dad while he fished. I wasn't much of a fisherman, but loved to collect stuff I could take home - things like shiny, smooth rocks and driftwood.  If I was particularly lucky, I could perhaps find something "living" such as a tadpole, crawdad, or maybe even a little toad.  In their own habitat, they flourished.  After a day or two in my bucket or empty margarine container and they didn't do so well any longer. Why?  They were cut off from the fresh water supply they needed.  Sure, they had some supply of their "natural" habitat because I always added it to the container - but they needed it to be renewed in order for it to support their growth.  In time, whatever I had captured would die because it lacked the nourishment and the conditions which would sustain their life.  Dead tadpoles and crawdads don't smell too good - let me assure you of that!  It doesn't take long for the "toxins" of death to produce a pretty offensive odor.

The same is true in our own lives.  Take what needs constant renewal out of the place where renewal can occur and you produce death.  Relationships are meant to stay in the place of connection to that which renews.  Bottle up any relationship issues long enough and the toxic effect will overwhelm you. Relationships are best when they are in a flourishing, continually renewed place.  They get a little caustic when the supply of what brings this renewal is shut off by any cause.  When we see "caustic" people as shut off from that which brings them life, we begin to see their "toxin" a little differently.  We understand they are just producing what they know how to produce in their "decaying" condition.  What they need is an infusion of life - what you offer is the very thing they need.  We can become offended by their "caustic" overflow, or we can begin to wash over them with the freshness of our God's grace, love, and peace.  Just sayin!